Things That Go Bump, Part II

As I predicted in last night's blog, the SyFy show 'Haunted Collector' embodied the usual TV ghost-hunting show tropes and followed the same format as all the others.  You got your obligatory green night-vision shots, your whispered EVPs, your standard mis-use of infrared FLIR cameras.

I was wholly underwhelmed.  I can usually suspend my disbelief long enough to at least enjoy the shows as sheer entertainment, but when the team 'discovered' a box beneath the house (which held a mud-encrusted revolver) I lost all interest.  I haven't seen acting that wooden since Howdy Doody.

Maybe I'm being too hasty in my judgment of the show.  Could be I'm just waxing cynical in general.

In other news, The Banshee's Walk hits the shelves in print form on June 7!  Banshee was showing on Amazon as a pre-order up until today.  Now it shows 'in-stock' but there's only 1 copy left!  So go ahead and order that one.  Amazon will re-stock on June 7.

Or you can get your copy from Samhain, the publisher, at the same low price.

Either way, just get one!  Markhat needs a new pair of shoes.  Mama Hog needs dental work.

Here's a cover, which is loaded with subliminal buying instructions.  Do not look away...

Things That Go Bump

Pick just about any broadcaster.  Odds are, you'll find a ghost hunting show.  A&E has 'Paranormal State.'  SyFy has the venerable 'Ghost Hunters.'  Even Animal Planet has gotten into the act with 'The Haunted.'

Now, when the execs at Animal Planet decided to go with a show based on the paranormal, you know the trend has truly peaked.  'The Haunted' quit even pretending to have an animal-centric point of view after the first few episodes.  Now they just throw in a brief shot of a cat every now and then before getting back to the haint o' the week.

Every show has its own slant.  'Paranormal State' usually brings everything back to demons.  They're in your cupboards, in your closets, under your beds.  If you move the demons Google you and show up in a couple days pissed because you bought a split-level ranch and they hate stairs.  If you stay the demons invite all their old college buddies over and before you know it the whole place stinks of brimstone and nobody can get a decent night's sleep for all the head-spinning and bed-shaking.

'Ghost Hunters' doesn't generally play the demon card.  Instead, they tend to focus on EVPs, the ever-popular but utterly un-provable 'I'm being touched,' and the odd instance of a door opening or a chair moving all by itself.  Most of the time, Jay and Grant depart after assuring the property owner that they're in no danger.  I get the feeling Jay and Grant have been doing their show so long they're absolutely bored with it now.  A ten-foot-tall spectre glowing with the intensity of a thousand 747 landing lights and bellowing in the voice of Satan probably wouldn't rate more than a 'huh, that's unusual' from Jay, these days.

'The Haunted' always starts small.  A bump in the night.  Something moved a few inches.  The sound of voices  down the hall.  But before the second round of commercials, the activity has reached full-blown bleeding-walls/flies in the Holy Water/Amityville heights and the terrified homeowners invariably contact a 'local paranormal research group' for help.  What happens next varies -- sometimes it's a restless but benign spirit, sometimes its a demon on vacation from the set of 'Paranormal State.'  In the case of the latter, Holy Water is flung, Latin is read, and we fade to a scene of a 'changed' house and some soothing credits music.

Tonight SyFy debuts a new paranormal show, 'Haunted Collector.'  So now if your house isn't haunted, your collectible figurines are, which quite frankly serves you right for collecting figurines in the first place.  I haven't seen the show, but I will make a few bold predictions concerning its format and subject matter:

• There will be frequent use of green IR night vision shots.
• Cut-aways will occur during pivotal displays of supernatural activity.
• Dolls.  There will be lots of dolls.  Because what could possibly be creepier when filmed in grainy green IR night-shot than a roomful of brooding dolls?
• EVP evidence will play a major role in the presentation of evidence. 

Those are my predictions.  If I score less than three out of four I'll wear white shoes after Labor Day.

I've dabbled in the field of ghost hunting myself.  I've even captured a few EVP recordings that are quite interesting.  So I'm not a hard-core 'unbeliever.'

I just find the recent proliferation of such shows amusing, that's all.  Mainly because I realize they live or die by ratings, and let's face it -- if the ghosts don't put on a show, the network has a vested interest in using a few tight-lipped production assistants to fill in where the dear departed failed.

Which is what led me to try recording my own EVPs in the first place.  I knew how easy they'd be to fake, and I saw how easy the shows made it appear to capture them.  So, I reasoned, if I go out a few dozen times and come back with nothing, well, it's clear what's going on.

I captured a reasonably clear EVP my first time out.  In a cemetery.  

How cliche.  You ghosts out there -- show some imagination!  A cemetery?  Seriously?  What's next, white sheets?  Rattling chains?

Still, I heard what I heard.  I can't explain it.  Even so, I refuse to even label the voices as those of 'ghosts.'  And until someone can absolutely rule out all other possible sources, I won't.

But there are plenty of people who will.  Their shows are fun to watch -- but bring the proverbial grain of salt.

Monday Horoscopes, Special Dismemberment Edition

This week's horoscopes are brought to you by stars 61 Cygni, Tau Ceti, and Struve 2398!  On behalf of all the nearby celestial bodies, they'd like to --


Oh.  Oh my.  That's truly disgusting.  What?  With an anvil?


-- wait, I really can't say that.  What have you people been doing to the stars lately, anyway?


I'd best just get on with it.  So, without further ado, here are your horoscopes for the next week:

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

Sure, the seat belts might not save you, but they will speed up identification of your remains.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)

No one believed the tiger was real, until you proved it by sneezing.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

Some days you win, some days the meat grinder just won't turn off.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

Be glad you're one of the few people who can truly rock the armless sweater look.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

Sadly, your doctor's calm assurances that flesh-eating bacteria infections are rare will prove overly optimistic.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)

You'll hardly even miss those four ribs, except on cold days, or times when you need to bend or lean.

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)

It's not whether you win or lose, unless your opponent is a crazed serial cannibal.  Then it probably matters.  Too bad about your toes.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)

It's a myth you need both ears to hold up sunglasses.  But as you will learn, you do in fact need a nose.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)

They say life will never burden you with more than you can bear.  But they never tried to push a flaming snack truck off their torso, did they?

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade!  You'll struggle to apply this axiom next Tuesday during the mishap with the gaseous cyanide.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)

Hospitals make mistakes all the time, and anyway you're left with one perfectly good kidney, Mister Whiney Britches.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)

Even autopsy techs need a good laugh at work now and then, and you'll certainly provide them with that, as soon as the ice around your torso melts away.

SPECIAL NOTE TO BENNY IN VEGAS:

Well of course they'll look in the crawlspace.  Do you even have basic cable?  Sheesh.  I don't even know why I bother.

Seven Secrets

I knew someone was following me!  The hairs on the back of my neck kept standing up.  I saw fleeting shadows dart away from the corner of my eye.  Furtive footsteps fell faint on the forest floor.

I kept finding cast-off marshmallow bags in the strangest places.

That should have been a clue.  For who else consumes raw marshmallows, other than famed romance writer and occasional nurturer of bats Jane Lovering?

If you don't know Jane, you should.  She writes great books that also genuinely laugh-out-loud funny.  I love her wit, which is very British and always spot-on insightful.  You should check out her From Behind the Keyboard site and then swiftly and with a keen sense of determination click your way to a purchase of one of her books.  I suggest Slightly Foxed, which is printed (yay!) and therefore universally compatible with all standard-issue human visual equipment and has an infinite battery life to boot.

When Jane isn't being intentionally hilarious, she roams the net handing out Versatile Blogger awards.  Yesterday she awarded one to me, which is displayed below for your edification.

Fig. 1, the award.  

Now, by the Immutable Laws of the All-Reaching Internet, I am required to post in observance of this Award (see Fig. 1) seven things you do not know about me.  

Jane posted her Seven Things here.  You should probably click that link and read hers instead of mine, because hers are funny and mine will probably (and quite predictably) devolve into a discussion of zombies or the terrors of lawn care.   

Anyway, here goes:

SEVEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ME

1) I detest shaking hands. It's a stupid custom, and trying to determine how much pressure to apply and how long one should hold a stranger's hand are both decisions I can happily live without.  I'm so fed up with handshakes in general I've decided I'll just look puzzled at all those outstretched hands.  Or maybe fill them with random pamphlets.  Perhaps I'll just take the whole procedure to its next logical step and instigate a spirited round of crotch-sniffing.  That should soon eliminate further offers of handshakes.

2) I have all the ABBA albums.  I have them, and I sometimes listen to them.  Don't act so shocked.  You know you've got a Backstreet Boys CD hidden in a sock drawer somewhere...

3) I write my blogs wearing a Richard M Nixon mask.  Hey.  You have your  foibles, and I have mine.

4) I was bored absolutely to literal tears by this SF classic.  I'm still a bit ashamed of that, but a more impenetrable and muddled book I have never encountered (I refer to the first book in the series; I never got past that).  Read the glowing reviews concerning the book's complexity, its use of metaphor and theme, its exploration of philosophy and theology.  Then consider how all that obviously went straight over my head, because my impressions of the book ranged from 'Huh?' to 'WTF?'.  If you must think less of me, I understand.

5) I'm 47, and sometimes I still wonder where my childhood 'GI Joe' action figure is, and how he's doing.  That's probably a sign of some deep-seated neurosis.  Or the result of lingering emotional scars inflicted during my attempt to finish the book mentioned in #4.  

6) I hate mirrors.   I've never liked the things.  That's not me reflected there.  Ditto for photographs.  I don't want to see those either if I'm anywhere in them.  

7) I assign mental nicknames to people I meet because I forget their real names almost instantly upon being introduced.  Especially if I have to shake hands with them.  Especially if I have to shake hands with them in front of a mirror while being photographed.  Thus my inner landscape is populated by the likes of Bad Hair and Pig Eyes and Mister Coffee Breath.  If I become friends with someone, of course that changes, but given my warm and caring nature that seldom happens.

So, there you have it -- seven secrets revealed, and the Law of the Internet fulfilled!  

I shall wear my Versatile Blogger award with pride.  

Your Monday Horoscope, with Additional Gauze Bandages

The fickle stars have spoken!  Read below to learn your fate, if you dare.  Looks like the stars have been watching way too much CSI yet again...

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

Don't act so shocked at all your media attention.  Multiple amputations are seldom associated with petting zoo mishaps.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)

Your feeling that you are being watched is tragically validated in later weeks as dental records confirm your jawbone's identity.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

Suddenly, your attorney's insanity defense strategy is dealt a fatal blow.  On the bright side, you've lost eight pounds during the trial!

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

This is a good time to study the habits and behaviors of the Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake, which is being forced from its natural habitat and into your sock drawer.  

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

As you soon learn, what is called 'bullet-proof' glass is actually better labeled 'bullet-RESISTANT' glass. 

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)

Even the FBI can't quite determine how a highly toxic pufferfish wound up alive and intact in your small intestine.

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)

Focus on the positive!  None of your friends will ever wind up with an obituary featured in its entirety on 'News of the Weird.'

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)

Some say every knock at your door might be that of Opportunity.  As the police will later state, however, sometimes it's just a lunatic with a wrecking bar and the strong conviction that you are Satan, Lord of the Underworld. 

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)

You have to laugh every time you hear someone say 'That which does not kill you makes you stronger.'  And man does it hurt to laugh with all those new stitches.  

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

Turns out you were wrong to so easily dismiss the stories of anal probes performed during alien abductions.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)

You will eventually receive proper scholarly recognition for your unfortunate involvement in proving that piranhas have indeed migrated well into North American waterways.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)

They will never quite piece together your final few moments, leaving your recorded comments about 'the knuckles, the horrible knuckles' an enduring mystery in the field of paranormal research.

SPECIAL NOTE TO SUZANNE IN MEMPHIS:

Not until 2018, when a cold case unit orders the exhumation of your remains.

Have a nice week!

Box O' Books!

Just my luck.

I get my box of author's copies of THE BANSHEE'S WALK the very day the world ends.

Pic is below!

You can get your copy from Amazon (or your favorite brick and mortar bookstore) starting on June 7.  Or you can pre-order from Amazon here, if you're impatient -- and why shouldn't you be?  Readers who have gotten a sneak peek of THE BANSHEE'S WALK report the following side effects:

* Weight loss
* Reading granted powers of flight, invisibility
* Overall physical attractiveness increased on average of 754%
* Shoes polished, undergarments dry-cleaned and folded

Can you afford not to read THE BANSHEE'S WALK?  Is my repetition of the title THE BANSHEE'S WALK creating within you a well nigh irresistible urge to purchase the aforementioned full-length novel?

Okay, okay, I get the hint.

I would like to thank the hard-working people at Samhain Publishing for making BANSHEE look so good.  Cover artist Natalie Winters did a great job, and of course without the patient and long-suffering attention of my editor Beth, BANSHEE would be 140,000 words of meandering muddle and it would still be making its sole home on my PC's hard drive.

June 7, print book hits the stands, shutting up now...

Last Day Before the Last Day

I shouldn't be making fun of the May 21 Doomsdayers.  It's never sporting to shoot fish in a barrel, or make fun of the mentally challenged.

And the May 21sters are some profoundly challenged fish in a very shallow barrel.

But I have a headache and they're easy targets, so here goes.

TOP TEN EXCUSES WHY THE WORLD DIDN'T END ON MAY 21, 2011 (For use on May 22):

1) Forgot to factor in Leap Years.  Math is hard.
2) Oprah's final show doesn't air until next week.
3) Oops, wrong planet.  It was Urth that was destroyed Saturday afternoon.  Urth, not Earth.  But man did they have it coming.
4) 2011?  Wait a minute, the t-shirt shop printed it wrong.  I meant 2211.  Yeah.  May 21, 2211.  Just wait, I tell ya!  Just wait!
5) It did end, right on schedule, and was immediately replaced with the back-up copy.  You won't notice any difference, since the backup is is is perfect.
6) Knew the date was bogus, was just tired of Mormons getting all the media attention.
7) I just wanted my van painted.
8) It did end, but the liberal media refuses to report it.
9) Gay marriage.  No, we're not sure how it relates, but we're sure it does, somehow.
10) Can we have all our stuff back?

TEOTWAWKI The End of the World As We Know It

I've watched the world end a dozen times during my perusal of the Internet.

Aussie Bloke predicted a major cometary strike a few years back.  A dowdy nutjob named Nancy Lieder spent years blathering away on sci.astro about a mysterious 'Planet X,' which was to swoop past the Earth in 2003, killing all but the usual chosen few.  More recently, there were the anti-CERN people, who believed we'd all be sucked into a black hole the instant the supercollider came online.

Despite being killed over and over again by rogue comets and sudden black holes, I still seem to be more or less alive.  Yes, the Earth is a ravaged, increasingly-barren wasteland populated by desperate hordes of humanity struggling for survival, but it's been that way for quite a while and so far we haven't seen fit to do much about it but gripe about switching to florescent light bulbs now and then.

So I hope you'll pardon me if I am less than terrified by the latest end-o-the-worlders, who claim Doomsday is scheduled for May 21, at 6:00 PM (Eastern, I think).

I haven't looked into their reasoning, since I'm pretty sure I've seen it all before, one place or another.  Pour up a base of religious wackery, add a dash of deeply flawed numerology, stir in a pinch of outright paranoia, season with ignorance and a dim-witted world-view more appropriate to mollusks than primates, and viola!  It's the end of the world.  Again.

Like every day before it, May 21 will dawn, proceed, and end at midnight.  People will be born.  People will die.  A far greater number of people will dress poorly and fail to pay sufficient attention to their personal hygiene.  There will be ill-conceived marriages and nasty divorces and whirlwind romances and somewhere young love will blossom.  In short, humanity will be up to its usual tricks, and will be no more or no less successful than it usually is with them.  The only constant will be humanity's steadfast refusal to learn from its mistakes.  And bacon.  We'll eat lots and lots of bacon.

Somewhere in that mix, I guess a couple of hundred people will exchange 'What was I thinking' looks before quietly going home to remove all the WORLD ENDS MAY 21 stickers from their cars.  And quite a few of those people will soon replace their failed May 21 stickers and placards with whatever date pops up next.  That's the whole live and don't learn bit I mentioned before.

So here's to May 22nd, which I predict will begin right on time, and with all the usual activity days generally bring.

Now, if you are one of the May 21sters, and you're reading my blog, you have 3 days to prove the sincerity of your faith by immediately arranging a significant PayPal cash transfer from you to me.  Details provided upon request....but hurry, this is a limited time offer!

Monday Horoscopes!

Horoscopes?

Why not?  I'm perfectly willing to believe that the positions of celestial bodies billions of miles away can have a direct influence on the most mundane facets of my life.  So if Jupiter is in the House of Mars, I'd better watch my interactions with public officials, right?

As long as we're willing to assume that Neptune is keenly aware of my financial dealings, let's take the next logical step and assign to me personally a variety of divinatory and predictive powers!  I was an Indigo Child, after all, one raised by Gypsies, tutored in the Mystical Arts by Jeanne Dixon, and well-read from the dread Necronomicon (Volume II, will vars. Illustrations)!

So let us see what the stars, quasars, pulsars, and various nebula have to say to you today, dear reader...

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
They say that being decapitated doesn't hurt, but you'll have to wait for Tuesday evening to know for sure.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)
Good friends are priceless.  The best you can probably do, though, run about $200 per night.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You know that fortune cookie you got, the one that read Good things await you?  Yeah, well, if by 'good things' they meant 'flesh-eating bacteria,' then man, they nailed that one.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
This is a good week to consider your finances, because after Sunday evening's prison riot, you won't be needing money anymore.


LEO (July 23 - August 22)
If you don't want to wind up going viral on YouTube, don't kick and scream while the grizzly bear mauls you. And if you do kick and scream, don't say we didn't warn you.  Pansy.


VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)
You laughed at the warning label that said DO NOT IMMERSE IN WATER WHILE IN USE, but who's laughing now, huh?  


LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
Statistically speaking, being struck twice by lightning is highly improbable, and that's exactly what the coroner will note in her report.


SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
Look, sometimes hostage negotiations just fall apart.  


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Despite the media attention surrounding your post-surgical appearance, air travel is still the safest way to travel.


CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
That fear of needles you have?  Considering the events of next Friday, that is a bad, bad fear to have.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)
All those times you used the phrase 'an arm and a leg' take on an ominous new meaning when you regain consciousness Sunday.


PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
Nine times out of ten, a charging rhinoceros will turn away at the last moment.  Guess you wish now you'd been keeping a much better count.


SPECIAL NOTE TO LARRY IN SEATTLE:
Yes, you did adjust the rear-view mirror with your bare right hand, and yes, fingerprints are the most-used physical evidence type used in murder trials.

Sightings, Smashwords, and More!

It's been a good day, as far as my writing is concerned.

First, I got a sneak peek at the cover for All the Paths of Shadow (coming soon!).  The cover is going to be beautiful.  The model looks just like I pictured Meralda, the heroine in the new book.  And, unlike the Markhat covers in which you never *quite* see Markhat's face under the brim of his hat, Meralda has the courtesy to look right at you.

All the Paths of Shadow will probably be out in September of this year.  The publisher is Cool Well Press, and I'll post links and so forth as soon as the information for All the Paths of Shadow  is publicly available.

Paths of Shadow is my first full-length YA novel.  YA stands for 'Young Adult,' which is authorspeak meaning 'for the love of all that is holy please shelve my book next to the Harry Potter books kthnxbye.'  I will stress that it's not a children's book.  Not that children couldn't read it -- in fact, they should read it, twice a week -- but when I say YA I don't mean it's filled with talking animals and rhyme and whimsy.  Paths certainly isn't as dark as the Markhat series, but I didn't shy away from including some pretty weighty themes, either.  There are, though, far fewer instances of gleeful decapitation conducted solely for humor in Paths.

Seeing a stunning piece of cover art with your own name plastered across it is always gratifying.

Finding your book in another bookstore is cool too.  I spotted two copies of The Markhat Files on the shelf in the campus bookstore -- so all my Oxford and Ole Miss pals, they're at the Union bookstore, in the SF/Fantasy section, right next to Gene Wolfe.

Go buy the last two so they'll order more, won't you?

Anthology 1: The Far Corners hit #8 on Amazon today in the fantasy short story anthology category.  That's a pretty hefty jump in a very short time; I have the good folks at DailyCheapReads to thank for that.  They put up a post for the anthology and sales took a huge leap.

Lastly, today marks my debut at Smashwords!  If you're not familiar with Smashwords, you should be, because no matter what kind of reading device you prefer (Kindle, Nook, Kobo, iPad, PC, etc.) they've got ebooks in your format of choice.

I've just placed Wistril Compleat there, and it's on the virtual shelf already.  Mallara and Burn: On the Road and The Far Corners anthology are awaiting placement now.  They should be up and for sale in a day or two.

I can't wait for everyone to see the cover for All the Paths of Shadow!  Hurry September!