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Friday, April 1, 2011

Belfast Buffoonery: Judges Sans Judgement

The case of Lennox, the dog who was seized in Belfast for being a pit bull despite a DNA test which confirmed he was NOT a pit bull, has taken a sudden tragic turn for the worse.  Scroll down to see my earlier posts about this travesty.

The Belfast City Council Dog Wardens, more commonly known locally as 'sheep fanciers,' kept Lennox locked away in a tiny tiny cage for a year before a judge finally heard the case.

Not that the Wardens had much of a case.  They identified Lennox as a pit bull, a breed prohibited by local law. The Wardens came to this conclusion after engaging in a stunning bit of police work.

They measured Lennox's back legs.  With a cloth tape measure.

Yeah.  That's "CSI: Belfast."  A couple of quasi-literate bumpkins and their mum's old sewing tape.

Anyway, after a lengthy round of finger-counting and open-mouthed division, these paragons of law enforcement declared Lennox a pit bull and carried him off.  Lennox then spent a year in the tiny cage I just mentioned, surrounded by his own feces.

I was appalled at that, until a friend who's been to Belfast assured me that sleeping in a bed of one's own droppings is quite commonplace there.  Oh, a few rich society Belfasters do use fancy outdoor toilets, but they are in the minority.

But back to the case.  This judge, a District Judge we'll call Stupid McStupidson, heard the evidence, wiped drool from his bottom six chins, and declared that Lennox was a menace to public safety, and must therefore be put down.

Unless Lennox's owners can win an appeal, Lennox the not-pit-bull is doomed.

Doomed for the crime of being large and black.

Public safety, Judge Mac MacStupid O'Shaunesy?  Yes, yes, I can see your point.  This dog, which has never harmed anyone, could secretly be procuring anti-tank weapons from North African arms dealers, and burying these weapons in his backyard, just waiting to strike.  You are very wise, District Judge Stupid McStupidson .  Most of us were completely fooled by Lennox's lack of opposable thumbs and speech or writing abilities.

But that makes him the perfect terrorist!

And since Lennox has a spotless record, and since he isn't a pit bull, why else would he have spent a year in solitary confinement?  He must be guilty!

It's all so clear now.  All so obvious.

And all I had to do to understand District Judge  Stupid McStupidson's reasoning was apply a little common sense.  Well, apply a little common sense and huff five cans of cheap gold spray paint.  That knocked my IQ down several hundred points, and now I'm in a perfectly Belfast state of mind!

If I huff another half a dozen cans, thus reducing myself to a mental level somewhere between that of carrots and sand, I might even be qualified to run against District Judge Stupid McStupidson in the next next election!

Wait, wait.  I'd need to move to Belfast to do that.

And even after picking up a drug habit and rendering myself Belfastish, I'm not stupid enough to do that.

PS --

I hope someone will forward this blog post  to the judge.  Then I hope someone else will read it to him, slowly, explaining the big words as they go.  I know that will take time, but I've heard if you keep a bucket of fish handy he'll sit still as long as you keep feeding him.  Try, won't you?

UPDATE 9-30-2011:

In a stunning display of judicial incompetence and profound stupidity, Judge Dereck Rodgers just decreed that Poor Lennox, after spending 18 months locked up, is to be put down.

I am appalled beyond words at the thuggish, brutal cretins who run Belfast.  From the Dog Wardens to the bloated, ham-faced dog 'experts' to the witless judges, Belfast is nothing but a blight upon the Earth.  I wish everyone involved with the prosecution nothing but misery and misfortune.


Lennox was not put down in September of 2011. Instead, he was held in legal limbo, with no visits allowed, while the Belfast legal community struggled with weighty matters including but not limited to 'how to read without sounding out the words aloud' and 'what kind of rash is this.'

Lennox remains on Death Row.


  1. I'd sooner beat it into him with a giant frozen halibut.

  2. Oh how true and funny.

  3. The biggest tragedy is that the family whose dog Lennox is followed the rules. How will the actions of Belfast CC encourage other people to follow the rules.

  4. The Law specifically states that the dog may be picked up in a Public Place. Lennox was taken from a private home! That is a violation that everyone concerned seems to have overlooked, otherwise the case should have been thrown out of court. A real court. However this was a Kangaroo court of Buffoons, wasn't it?

  5. Well written, as it raised a smile in what is otherwise a heartbreaking case :-( Hoping and praying the appeal jusges are the ones who use the"fancy outdoor toilets" Save Lennox -n sign the petition - join the group - have the voice Lennox doesn't Thanks

  6. CSI: Belfast. That made me smile. Beggars belief, doesn't it?
    Poor Lennox, his poor family .. I can't begin to imagine how dreadful it would be to have my family pet taken away in such a fashion.
    For shame, you sheep fanciers, for shame!

  7. Can the family sue for damages? Those old sheep fanciers owe that dog and family til the day *they* die! Sods.

  8. Brilliant Frank! God Bless Lennox and his family! And God Bless You for writing such a Brilliant piece!

  9. If only you could represent Lennox in the court, a judge would stop the case and beg to take Lennox back to his family in person rather than take you on ! Thank you for backing Lennox against the injustice he has been facing, every decent sane person must stand up and be counted to get Lennox home where he belongs x