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Thursday, March 31, 2011

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling, A Dog is Probably Dying: Lennox Part Deux

If you're new to my blog, you might want to scroll down and read yesterday's entry before you dive into this one.  

To recap, yesterday I learned about the sad case of Lennox, a mixed breed dog who was seized by the Belfast City Council Dog Wardens in Belfast last year on suspicion of....well, who knows?  Lennox spent five years living peacefully with his family.  There were no complaints about Lennox, from anyone.  He'd never displayed aggression, overturned a tour bus, or even barked all night.  He might have chewed on a rubber ball as a puppy.  Accounts vary.

Perhaps, though, Lennox's incarceration has nothing to do with him at all.  Maybe the Belfast City Council Dog Wardens ran out of kittens to drown.  Maybe the Belfast City Council Dog Wardens were in a foul mood because they woke up and realized all the cool people fled during the Potato Famine.  Maybe the only woman in Belfast lost her razor.

In any case, the Belfast City Council Dog Wardens seized Lennox after determining his back legs were 'pit-bullish.'  Poor Lennox is now on Death Row, crammed in a tiny cage and surrounded by his own feces, because that's the way they roll in leprechaun-infested Belfast.

This makes me angry.  I love dogs.  Unlike the people of Belfast, dogs are loyal, trustworthy, intelligent creatures. Creatures who for some reason love humans.  I've known quite a few humans in my time, dear readers, and 'lovable' isn't the first word that leaps to mind when attempting to describe them.  Mainly because it's only a few brief interludes of inbreeding that separates humans from the drooling primates that reside in scenic Belfast.

I wrote the Belfast City Council Dog Wardens and expressed my views on their policies, their practices, the parentage, and their overall lack of personal hygiene.  A reply may be a long time in coming, since I used words like 'hygiene' and the combined efforts of the entire Belfast City Council may be required to open a dictionary, much less read from it.

Which leads me to wonder -- just what sort of people make up the Belfast City Council Dog Wardens?  Internet sleuth that I am, I soon stumbled across a document which each applicant for the office of Dog Warden must complete.  I'll share it with you, since I believe it explains much about the reasons behind Lennox's sad imprisonment.


Minimum Physical Position Requirements:

Applicant MUST be able to lift 20 Kg club high enough to deliver lethal blow to puppies.  Ability to stomp kittens and goose-step preferred but not required (will train on the job). 


Applicant must rise from their crypt promptly at sunset.  Some Sunday work may be required, if Puppy Croquet games run over.


The successful Applicant may be paid in Euros or with the blood of infants, as requested.


1) You spot a puppy approximately eight weeks old playing with a pair of children in a private yard.  When you decapitate the puppy, to which screaming child do you present the severed head, the lad or the lass?

2) While on patrol, you receive reports of a tabby cat resting quietly on a sunny window-sill.  After fining the owner and dispatching the feline with a cricket bat in the name of Public Safety, do you also charge the owner remove the cat's remains, and if so, how much?  Be specific.

3) Select which of the following attributes identifies a dangerous dog: 
A) Four legs   
B) Three legs      
C) Any legs, or none    
D) Eyes    
E) A detectable pulse    
F) A tail

4) Tail-wagging by a dog is a sure sign of:  
A) Cannabalism     
B) Allegiance to Satan, the Dark Lord 
C) Both of the above

5) In your tenure as a Dog Warden for the Belfast City Council, you may encounter members of the press who see the tortured carcasses strapped to your Vespa and offer disparaging remarks about your work.  How will you respond to these persons? 
A) Club to forehead     
B) By eating their young
C) Will claim to be Belgian      
D) With blank, vacant stare

Thank you for your interest in this position.  The selected Applicant will receive the corpse of a small terrier as a token of our esteem.

There you have it.  I understand a little better now why our hump-backed brethren across the sea feel compelled to keep poor Lennox locked up for so long and for no apparent reason.

They don't need a reason.  Lennox is a dog.

To the good people of the Belfast City Council Dog Wardens, just being a dog is reason enough.

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