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Friday, April 1, 2011

Banned from Belfast!

I knew it was coming.

The Belfast City Council has blocked me from posting on their Facebook page and has deleted all my previous posts.  It seems they do not love having their penchant for murdering dogs spoken about in public.  Or maybe they were simply intimidated at the sight of two-syllable words.  Most of the posts created by residents of Belfast were of the 'wher i gits beere?' variety.  Several were open solicitations for intimate relations with underage donkeys.  And people claim Belfast has no night life!

Honestly, I was surprised to find a Facebook page for Belfast at all.  Setting up any sort of web page seems beyond the grasp of that mob of raging alcoholic leprechaun-molesters -- but wait, they probably paid a human to set them up.  Yes.  I should have realized that immediately, since the Belfast page lacked any references to bestiality, inbreeding, or public urination, which are all time-honored civic traditions in quaint little Belfast.

A judge ruled on Lennox's case a couple of days ago.  Now, let's take a quick look at the facts.  The Belfast City Council Dog Wardens, hereafter referred to as 'Child Molesting Guinness-Swilling Sheep-Buggering Fascist Drooling Inbred Morons,' grabbed Lennox the not-pit-bull after going to the wrong house.  That's right.  The warrant wasn't even for the address at which poor Lennox lived.

Why anyone would have the Child Molesting Guinness-Swilling Sheep-Buggering Fascist Drooling Inbred Morons of the Belfast City Council a written warrant is quite beyond me.  That's like sending my dogs to the grocery store with a shopping list written up in a 32-bit cipher code.  Good things are simply not going to happen.

And they didn't.  The Child Molesting Guinness-Swilling Sheep-Buggering Fascist Drooling Inbred Morons showed up at the wrong house.  Deep in the recesses of their dim little minds, they knew they were sent after a pit bull dog.

I can almost hear the stunted synapses in their miniscule brains struggling to connect.  Pit. Bull. Dog.  Lennox. Dog.  Lennox. Black Dog.

A pair of neurons managed a single brief connection.

Lennox pit bull dog!

And thus poor Lennox was led away.

Led away to languish in a tiny cage filled with his own feces.  Photos prove this.  Worse, Lennox remained in this cage for a year.

A year?  Really, people.  I know the Belfast City Dog Wardens -- pardon me, the Child Molesting Guinness-Swilling Sheep-Buggering Fascist Drooling Inbred Morons -- have a lot to do.  They have to remember what shoes are for.  Every morning for them is a struggle with door-knobs and buttons and a dozen other fiendishly complicated devices.

Just stumbling from the alley beside the pub and down to the Dog Warden office probably occupies most of their morning.

Finally, though, Lennox's case was presented to a judge.

One would think that a judge would posses certain mental qualities.  Detectable brain activity, for a start.  Some meager command of language.  The ability to relieve oneself without soiling one's robes.

That's what one would think.

But remember, this is Belfast.  Belfast, often referred to as the open, running sore of the United Kingdom.  Belfast, land of enchantment, if by enchantment you mean buggery, outdoor lavatories, and frequent encounters with piles of human feces.  That Belfast.

And so, in keeping with a millennia-old tradition of making the kinds of legal decisions that leave mollusks gasping in open disbelief, this Belfast judge decreed that Lennox the dog should be put to death, for the crime of being not-a-pit-bull, having black fur, and not living at the address listed on the warrant.

Way to go, Your Honor.  High-fives and dark skunky beers all around.  Keep up that level of stellar legal work, and you'll be Lord High Mayor of the malodorous trash-heap that is Belfast before you can say 'let's go club some baby seals.'

I don't know what's going to happen to poor Lennox.  I hope that the recent outpouring of rage aimed at Belfast might convince them to relent.  Understand I'm not expecting an appeal to their better natures to work. I don't think anyone on the Belfast City Council has a better nature.  But even a band of bloodthirsty goat-fanciers understands economic loss, and the whole 'Hey, let's kill some black dogs, just for the lulz' attitude isn't helping draw tourists toward the cloud of black flies that hangs like a noisy cloud over Belfast.

If you're angry about the treatment of this dog, let the mouth-breathers on the Belfast City Council know it.

Hit them here on Facebook.  Email the toothless beer-swilling gits here.

And then let's all hope that someone in Belfast grows an extra brain cell or three.

Yeah, it's a faint hope, but that's about all Lennox has right now.

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