Brown River Queen cover art

Friday, June 10, 2011

It's My Birthday and I'll Lie if I Want To

According to various faded cave paintings and weathered etchings in fragments of clay tablets, today is my birthday.

A few relatively simple calculations indicate I am older than most cabbages, but younger than many large-scale geologic features.  I am what people my age call 'middle age' and what everyone else calls 'old.'  Especially young people, with their raves and their hippity-hoppity music and their newfangled eye-pads.

But I haven't walked this sullen Earth all these years without learning a thing or two.  So gather round, chilluns, while the Old Man speaks words of wisdom...

1) Limit eye contact.  Good seldom comes of it.
2) The phrase 'this will only take a minute' is best translated as 'I'm here to steal your entire freaking day.'
3) Dogs are better people than most people.
4) Corollary to #4: If your dogs growls at someone, bite that person.  Bite them hard.  Because dogs are excellent judges of character, but you don't want your dog biting strangers, who knows what kind of weird diseases they're carrying.
5) An evil, utterly amoral lawyer is worth his or her weight in poison-coated claw hammers, as long as they are your lawyer.
6) A healthy, balanced diet will ultimately leave you just as dead as Jimmy Hoffa.  Have the cheeseburger if you want it.  Will you really miss those sixteen extra seconds hooked to a ventilator?
7) Beware overt altruism.  Also people who use the word 'beware.'  Seriously, who talks like that?
8) Don't get too worked up over politics.  Here's the truth -- both parties, all parties, their candidate, your candidate -- they're all the same.  Flip sides of the same cheesy coin.  Negative images of the same banal scene.  No one is going to turn things around.  No one is going to make any difference.  The 'elected' part of the government was neutered years ago.  Vote.  Don't vote.  It no longer matters, at least here in the US of A.  So relax and enjoy the ride as best you can.
9) Ear hair is quite fashionable, if properly groomed.
10) Wear a smile, but locate the exits.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I am on iTunes!

The Markhat books are now available from iTunes.

Okay, that may not seem like a big deal.  But for me it is -- winding up on iTunes is the modern equivalent of arriving, baby.  And it seems Markhat has arrived.


This is one of those moments.

It's not a perfect moment.  The cover image for Dead Man's Rain, which is one of my personal favorites, isn't there; instead is the cover for another book.  Shame on you, iTunes!  Even tiny little e-book resellers got the cover images right.

But that can be fixed.  What matters is that iPads everywhere can browse the iBooks bookstore and see Markhat books proudly displayed.

This rocks.  Here's a link to my iTunes author roundup.  Check it out.

Frank's Markhat books on iTunes

And with that, I say, woohoo!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


It's finally June 7, which means finer bookstores everywhere in the universe can place printed copies of The Banshee's Walk on their shelves!

You can snag a copy online for just $10.50 at Samhain, which will deliver it to your door with a minimum or fuss and bother.  Amazon will do the same, but the book costs a bit more there.

I'd like to announce a signing to go along with the release, but you try being a fantasy author and getting the bookstores hereabouts to book a signing for you.  Go on.  I'll wait right here, with my chair and books and my bag lunch.  Because you're going to be a long time arranging that gig, baby.  Now, if you wise up and start writing about drunks and catfish and love gone wrong down at the trailer park, you'll be showered with accolades, even if your total sales rank in the high single-digits.  Because you're writing LIT-RAT-TURE, while I'm apparently churning out fluff.

Bitter much?

Maybe a little.  I suppose it's the implied 'Come back and see us when you're a real writer' attitude that truly irks me.  Some Gothed-out Emo cranks out a 40-page book of third-rate poems, and they get wine and cheeses.  I have a freaking series of novels out, e-book and print, well-reviewed and apparently well-liked, and I get the cold shoulder because someone wrinkles their nose at the word 'fantasy.'

Rant off.  Had to share.  Anyway, back to business --

Fans of the Markhat series will be pleased to know the first round of edits on the new book are well underway!  The new book will be called The Broken Bell, and though no dates have been set in stone yet I'm thinking September for the e-book release, which is always ahead of the print release.

I think people are going to love The Broken Bell.  You get to see Mama Hog stomp her way to Pot Lockney with murder on her mind.  You get to see Markhat tackles the big question concerning his relationship with Darla.  The Broken Bell has it all -- love and hate, war and peace, biscuits and ham.  I'm really happy with the  way the series is heading.

So, to recap -- The Banshee's Walk is out in print, starting today.  If your local bookstore doesn't have it ask for it.  Or just hit one of the links above for painless home delivery.

Either way, just buy!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Monday Horoscopes!

It's Monday again.  To help you plan your week, I have once again consulted the heavens, questioned the stars, drawn the charts and looked askance at the goats.  I called up fell spirits from realms beyond the dark.  I rolled enchanted dice with the Spectre of Death himself (I'm down another $250 bucks with him).  

All in all, next week looks like another rough one.  Find your sign below, and come face to face with your fate, if you dare...

ARIES (March 21-April 20)
Your attorney swears he's never handled a case of bear-trap negligence before, but is confident he can win you some sort of compensation.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 20)
Your general lack of buoyancy was never a problem -- until next Tuesday.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Most people accept their fate with quiet dignity, but then most people don't find themselves on fire in a tack factory.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Thursday, you learn too late that the Serbian phrase for 'I am a tourist' sounds almost exactly like the phrase for 'I am happy to violate policemen.'  

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Getting your head stuck in the Large Hadron Collider is not the way you planned to start off your week, is it?

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)
A cross-country road trip is exactly what you need, although being bound and thrown in the trunk does limit your view of America's scenic byroads. 

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
You will scrub and scrub, but getting all the bat guano out of your hair is going to take forever.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
Just as the CDC encloses your house in quarantine plastic, you will be forced to admit the neighbors were right about the smell all along.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Lucky for you, artificial noses are easily obtainable and quite affordable.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Your hope that the Mafia maintains a sense of humor will be dashed Friday with a visit by Ernie 'The Fingers'  Vintagliano.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19)
"Look what the cat dragged in" will take on a horrible new meaning around midnight next Wednesday.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
The laws of physics always favor fast-moving boulders over your need to avoid costly emergency surgery.

Storing old dynamite in the pinata was just begging for trouble, doofus.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


Yes, it's another contest!  You -- yes, you -- can enter to win a signed copy of THE BANHEE'S WALK, which sees its official print release in a few days (on June 7).  But you can win a signed copy, and be the envy of all your friends, yea, the envy of whole nations!

You can see THE BANSHEE'S WALK in the image above.  Note how the comically small skeleton is pleased to present it to you!  What's that?

Um, no, I'm not sure why a comically small skeleton is involved in all this.  The wooden box in the image?  Well, er, it's where the skeleton sleeps.  Yeah.  No, I don't know why.  Look, I don't have a publicist yet, okay?  I've got a camera and a few Halloween props and some red velvet.  Go with me on this.

As I was saying, entering is easy.  You can enter in any of the following ways:

1) 'Like' this post on Facebook.
2) Email me at . Be sure to mention you want to enter the Banshee contest.  Flattery will result in an immediate drastic increase of your odds of winning.
3) Comment on this blog post.

Next Sunday afternoon, one week from today, I'll collect all the names and put them in the wooden box in the image.  I will then shake the box, apologize to Mr. Skeleton for shaking him, and then withdraw the winning name.

If you emailed your entry, I'll notify you via email.  If you FB liked or commented on the blog, I'll track down your contact info and notify you too.

Simple, no?  Click to win!  Your prize will be mailed to you, at my expense, via the proud and noble USPS.  Signed, as I mentioned, which assures its value will only skyrocket in the coming years.

Skeleton, box, and scrap of red velvet not included.  Void where prohibited by physical law.  Offer not valid in the Third Galactic Arm.  Some settling of contents may occur during shipping.

Now enter, people!  Destiny awaits!