A Bad Case of Vietnamese Swamp Stomach

Ugh.

This week's blog entry will be brief. I'll spare you the details, but a lot of staring into the bottom of a toilet bowl is involved.

More you don't want to know.

I had planned to feature a new, never-before-published short story narrated by none other than Mama Hog herself today. But I don't trust my ability to arrange words competently. For instance, the preceding sentence originally read 'Mama hog story narrates colon, frees the threadbare geese', so finishing and editing anything more complicated than this blog entry that will have to wait until next week.

The Mama Hog story, which is nearly complete, is entitled "The Swindled Jenny," and I think you'll enjoy Mama's version of just desserts.

After that, Mug will have his turn, in a regular feature of the blog called 'Sidekick Sundays.'

But for now, I'm going to slink back downstairs and rest.

The only silver lining to all this, I suppose, is that I actually put on and zipped a leather jacket I bought around 1984. Yes, that's correct, 1984. The last time I tried it on, I couldn't bring the front within eight inches of closing, much less of zipping.

And now I'll be wearing it as my retro motorcycle jacket. It'll also come in handy if I turn into a zombie and need to take part in a Michael Jackson zombie 'Thriller' dance, because baby this jacket ROCKS the 80s.

Let me close with a shameless plea -- if you've had a chance to finish the new Markhat, Brown River Queen, and you liked it, please drop me a review on Amazon. I'd really appreciate it.

Bonus Tuesday Blog: New Release by Maria Schneider!

I don't often blog on Tuesday, but when I do, I blog about Maria Schneider's Witch Moon series.

And this particular Tuesday is special because the new Witch Moon book is out!



Entitled Under Witch Curse, this is the third book in the With Moon series. The first two books are:

Under Witch Moon

Under Witch Aura

I love these books. The heroine, Adriel, is well-drawn and engaging, the plots are snappy and fluid, and the writing is top-notch. Too, for a Mississippi boy, the modern-day Santa Fe setting is exotic enough to make the series truly memorable.

So check out the series, and if you already know it, the new one is out!

More From my Muse

As you know -- primarily because I haven't shut up about it -- my new Markhat book Brown River Queen  was released last Tuesday.

Response so far has been wonderful. I've gotten a number of emails from readers who liked the book. Sales are brisk. BRQ is poised to emerge as the most popular entry in the series thus far.

Still, I was surprised when my Muse, the plain-spoken Visavarevagsitaga (Ancient Mesopotamian goddess of pointed sticks, argumentative hedgehogs, and minor waterways) added her own missive to the congratulatory emails.

I've posted her letter below.

Date:  Sat, 30 Mar 2013 10:51:23 -0600 [12:51:23 PM EST]
From:  Visavarevagsitaga <Visavarevagsitaga@ancientwritingmuses.org>
To:  franktuttle@franktuttle.com
Subject:  REQUIRED CONGRATULATORY STATEMENT

Dear Whatsyourname,

In accordance with the Statutes, Policies, and Best Practices of the Amalgamated League of Muses, I am sending you this official Letter of Congratulations on the publication of your new novel/play/epic poem/other fictional work (select one), which is entitled (insert title of Work here). 

We wish you every success in this artistic endeavor BLAH BLAH BLAH, we hope our contributions to the creative process were BLAH BLAH BLAH.

There are another two paragraphs of like-minded claptrap but oops I deleted them both.

I did you a favor and picked up a copy of the book (Frown River Cake or whatever it is) but my copy must be defective because nowhere on the cover or in the dedication is the Holy Sacred name of Visavarevagsitaga mentioned as co-author. 

Even more inexplicable is the delay in my first royalty check, which I am QUITE SURE is on the way, because IF IT ISN'T some very agitated Egyptian Nile toads are going to be turning up in some UNEXPECTED PLACES. Hint hint, monkey boy. Need a I send a plague of biting flies to spell it all out?

Just to be clear, I expect no less than 20% of the cover and half of any foreign language sales and half of any future merchandising, praise be to My name and when I say 'biting flies' I mean 'flies easily capable of biting off both ears.' 

So, now that we're friends again -- we ARE friends again, aren't we? -- I have a few comments (three specific observations are required by the Statutes, Policies, and Best Practices of the Amalgamated League of Muses) concerning your work, Drown Shiver Mean.

1) It is a book, written in modern English. Yay you for making that bold stylistic choice. One mandated observation down.

2) The book features dark letters on a light page. Again, way to push the envelope. Moron.

3) Individual chapters are denoted by chapter breaks. That's three. Somebody get me a latte.

This concludes my mandated congratulatory communication. I see you are already working on a new book. If I can talk you out of continuing let me know, otherwise please toil in silent obscurity.

Best,

Her High Holiness and Exalted Divinity Visavarevagsitaga, Blessed of All, Goddess of Time and Space, 34th Level Muse (Extended Associate), Amalgamated League of Muses.

PS Stop calling Mama Hog's hair 'wild,' find a thesaurus and use it, idiot.

________________________________________________________________

Judging by her past emails, I take it my Muse is both in an unusually good mood and is warming up to me.

At least I haven't had any frogs show up in my coffee this week.

For any new readers of the Markhat series, let me take a moment here and suggest an order in which the books can be read.

First of all, you've got your early adventures, which are all standalone tales in which order doesn't really make any difference at all. These are:

The Mister Trophy

The Cadaver Client

Dead Man's Rain

All of which were combined in the print-only anthology The Markhat Files.

After the first three, I suggest you read as follows:

Hold the Dark

The Banshee's Walk

The Broken Bell

And finally, the new one, which is of course Brown River Queen.

If you want print versions of Hold the Dark, The Banshee's Walk, or The Broken Bell, no problem, click on the links in this sentence!

Bonus Tuesday Blog: BROWN RIVER QUEEN Release party!

It's Tuesday, March 26, and that can mean only one thing....

Yes, okay, it is time to renew my truck tag. So make that two things, with the most important being this:

BROWN RIVER QUEEN is now on sale!

You can get it from Amazon here, or from Barnes & Noble here, or from direct from the publisher in any format you please by going to Samhain Publishing.

I'd like to take a moment to thank Holly, my editor at Samhain, for all her hard work and enthusiasm on the project. Heck, thanks to everyone at Samhain, who are always a pleasure to work with!

I really hope you enjoy the book, which is the latest installment in the Markhat series. There are gamblers and vampires and guns and ghouls, all on a riverboat steaming toward certain doom.

I'm off to a signing at Barnes & Noble in Oxford. So from Mama Hog, Markhat, Darla, Evis, Gertriss, and of course Buttercup the banshee, safe sailing!

Live From MidSouthCon 31: Update #4, the Darrell Awards

I'm not often left speechless, no matter how many people fervently wish for that singular event.

The outcome of this year's Darrell Awards did manage to silence me completely for a brief but indeterminate time.

I was nominated for two pieces -- Saving the Sammi for best short story, and The Broken Bell for best novel.

Before I go any further, let me talk about the competition. I say competetion only in the broadest sense of the word, because none of us has any desire to 'beat' the other guy (or gal). We're all authors, slugging it out in the trenches I believe we all want the best for each other.

So, to my friends Jimmy Gillentine, Steve Bradshaw, and Aaron Drown (also known as the inimitable A.christopher Drown), I was honored to be in your company.

You should read these guys. Here are their works:

Bluff City Butcher, by Steve Bradshaw. Steve was a CSI investigator in Texas for many years, and his stories of mayhem and murder will curl your hair. His book is not be missed!

Night at Death's Door by Jimmy Gillentine. There are some dicey night clubs in Memphis -- but none dicier than the one the vampires favor! Check it out -- but be prepared to pay a very special cover at the door.

A Game of None Magic By A.Christopher Drown. Epic fantasy with a Southern accent! First of series, with the rest soon to come.

I really enjoyed meeting you guys or catching up. Steve's tales of high-speed impacts and down-home stabbings were especially enjoyable, because I'm a seriously weird guy.

Being included amid such a talented bunch made the presentation of the Darrell Awards for Saving the Sammi and The Broken Bell a truly humbling event.

My thanks to the Darrell Awards jury, for their consideration and efforts during the year!

Now, because I can't resist, the Awards themselves...

Thanks again folks!

Live From Midsouthcon 31: Update #3

Con are full of surprises, in that you never know who you'll meet.

MidSouthCon 31 was no exception. Among the attendees was the crew from Expedition Unknown, a paranormal investigations group based in the Midsouth.

From left to right, Expedition Unknown is Andy Brisendine, Stephen Guenther, and Tanya Vandesteeg. Andy acts as tech manager, photographer, and videographer. Stephen, Lead Investigator, is an experienced paranormal sleuth whose investigations have taken him to such far-flung sites as Stonehenge. Lead Investigator Tanya does extensive site research and debunking, among many other duties. You can catch Tanya's podcast "Live From the Multiverse" each Thursday at 8:00 PM at http://www.tmvcafe.com/.

We sat in on three panels hosted by Expedition Unknown, and each was a blast. Andy and I use the same microphone (a Zoom H1) and we all share a fascination with EVP phenomena. Plus, they're all friendly smart cool people with a genuine interest in local cryptids and other paranormal happenings.

If you're in this area and you ever encounter bumps in the night that you believe warrant a visit from the professionals, I recommend the Expedition Unknown crew!

They also offer classes and live field investigations. You can see and hear their evidence on their YouTube channel, and I cannot wait to slap on my headphones and dive into that myself.

Again, their website is Expedition Unknown. It is well worth a thorough look!

Live From MidSouthCon 31 Update #2

The Con is still underway here in Memphis, and everyone is having a blast.

So far I've met a number of talented authors, amazing artists, and equally amazing fans. I've been on a ghost hunt with the crew from Expedition Unknown, been on a panel, watched in awe as the Drunkest Fanboy in the World struggled to maintain a rough approximation of bipedalism, and won not one but two Darrell Awards. 

The Expedition Unknown crew and the Darrell Awards get their own posts, to follow shortly. 

Now, though, let's see some pictures!

No SF/fantasy con is complete without a Klingon or two. This year, I spied a Klingon with a familiar face beneath the brow-ridges. I even put up his picture a couple of years ago, when he was a roving but cordial zombie:

This year, he shed his shamble for the more menacing look of a Klingon warrior.

Despite only knowing a single word of Klingon (graak, which means 'You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?) I asked the mighty Klingon for an interview.

Here it is, thanks Frank Chin!

Meeting people such as Frank is what makes the Con scene so much fun. I know the media loves to poke fun at us in their minute-and-a-half segments between Sports and Weather, but there are some genuinely fascinating and articulate people behind the masks. 

Speaking of masks, here are a few more of the many cosplayers at this year's Con!

I love the way this Tusken raider is being photo-bombed by an Old Republic stormtrooper. 

They're serious about pedicures on Altair VI.

This is how I see all clowns.

Stormtroopers!

Stormtroopers after one too many Pan Galactic Gargles Blasters at the Mos Eisley spaceport bar.

Steampunk Lives!

Old Republic Stormtroopers, and friend.

The Black Widow!

Breathless Mahoney

The Hilton at midnight

More to come!

Live From MidSouthCon 31 Update #1

MidSouthCon 31 is underway here in Memphis, Tennessee, and your roving reporter is right in the middle of it.

This year's Con is hosting the biggest crowd I remember seeing. The guest list is pretty impressive this year, and I'm sure that's a big part of the draw.

After arriving at the Con, getting checked in, and finding the nearest bar, I began my series of in-depth interviews with Con attendees. Being a bold soul, I simply turned to the first pretty woman I saw and asked for an interview. She not only agreed, but later accompanied me to my hotel room. Her picture and interview is below:

Interview with Frank's wife Karen

One of the great things about any Con is the Dealer Room. There you can find just about anything -- SF and fantasy prop art, books, comics, and of course art. 

We picked up an piece of original art by Levi White. Levi uses spray paint to create some really stunning and unusual pieces, such as ours, shown below:

In keeping with my newfound habit of sticking a Zoom H1 microphone in the faces of strangers, I begged Levi for an interview, and you can listen to it by clicking the link:

Levi White interview

Levi can (and should) be reached via email at artbylevi@hotmail.com. He does everything from superheroes to Star Trek to Dr. Who, and his prices are so affordable starving authors can afford them!

Artist Levi White and muse

When you think of cons, you might not also think of music. But MidSouthCon has a house band, and they are Order of Tyr!

Here they are in the Dealer's Room, many hours before their first Friday evening show. I picked up their new album, Tearing Reality Asunder, and they were also kind enough to speak to me after I made it clear I was fully capable of rolling on the floor and screaming if my request for an interview was denied. 

Click here for Order of Tyr interview!

The Order plays a powerful, straight-ahead blend of heavy metal, hard rock, electronic, and prog-rock, all blended with fantasy themes and lyrics. You can check them out further by hitting their webpage, VideoGameMetal!

Costumes and cosplayers. I know that's what you want to see, so let's open with the best of the Con so far. I give you <drumroll please> The Black Widow!

Regular Con-goers will recognize Alex as the 'Catwoman Cosplayer,' who graces MidSouthCon and several othyers with her beautiful costumes every year. This year, she's at MidSouthCon as The Black Widow, and she was kind enough to grant me an interview:

Catwoman Cosplayer interview

You can find Alex on Facebook here. Stop by her page and give her a like!

And now, for a more or less random series of Con images:

That was just yesterday afternoon. More to come!

Frank's Handy Guide to KindleGen. And Suicide. Because You'll Need Both.

It all looked so simple. So easy.

As many of you know, I teach a couple of writing classes. I've been teaching them for a while now, and I finally put most of the material together into a short book.

It's nothing fancy. No tables, no graphs, no interior trickery at all. Thus I thought to myself, 'Self, why don't we package the whole works as a Kindle book, and maybe make enough extra money from it to buy a single burrito, come next May?'

Fool that I am, I agreed, even though my track record of Cunning Plans tends toward catastrophe and head injuries of mild to moderate severity.

But this is an e-book. Surely, I decided, I can safely create and publish a single short Amazon e-book all on my own without involving paramedics or morticians.

I've done it before. Wistril Compleat, On the Road, The Far Corners -- all are short story anthologies composed of stories I sold to print magazines back in the 90s. I put all those titles out myself, mainly for fun. So why shouldn't I be able to do so again?

After all, Amazon now provides free formatting and previewing software. Back in the old days, I had to do all the formatting by hand! Not so now, with the amazing Kindlegen!

Like I said, it all looked so easy.

First, I downloaded the free Amazon formatting program, Kindlegen.

Then I downloaded the free Amazon previewer, Kindle Previewer.

The advantage to using these two items, I am told, is that you are absolutely assured a Kindle-compatible product. No weirdness in formatting. No glitches. You can see how your ebook looks on each and every Kindle model, and fix any problems before you take the book to market.

Sounds ideal!

I used a free HTML editor called HTML-Kit to create my HTML ebook file. This part of the process is one I know. There's nothing at all hard about it. You only need know a dozen or so HTML commands.  Most of the code is self-explanatory.

That's how I created the other ebooks. Turn the book into an HTML file. Zip that file and the interior cover image together. Upload them to KDP. Yes, I know Amazon now claims you can use Word to create your ebook, and then save that as a Web page file, and upload directly to KDP, thus skipping all the HTML hand-coding.

And you can. You can also dance with a goat. As with goat-dancing, though, the results are usually messy and often completely unacceptable. You'll find weird spaces inserted at random, odd indents, big gaps in the text -- no. Just no.

Here's how I understood Kindlegen to work:

1. Create your HTML file.
2. Use Kindlegen to convert this HTML file into a perfect .mobi file.
3. Use the Previewer to check your file for accuracy.
4. Upload your cover image and your new .mobi file to Amazon.
5. Become rich, buy your own tropical island, crush your enemies beneath your merciless feet.

I got as far as step 4 and thought myself a clever lad. I followed Amazon's documentation (I wince just using the words 'Amazon' and 'documentation' in such close proximity) and was pleased with the results.

I uploaded the new ebook and prepared my feet to begin the crushing of enemies like grapes.

What I didn't understand was that I'd skipped a step. Do you see step 3.5 above?

No?

Neither did I.

Step 3.5 is displayed in invisible letters, you see. And what is says is this:

3.5 HAHAHAHAHA. We forgot to mention that for your interior cover image to display, you'll need to create an ncx file, and opf file, an xyz file, solve Fermat's Last Theorem, calculate the value of pi out to eleventy billion characters, comb Nessie's hair, teach Bigfoot to scuba dive, and finally provide us with a singing albino sea otter who can also drive a cab.

Here's what the Kindlegen README file should state, in towering letters of blood and fire:

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER

Because by firing up Kindlegen you just entered Hell.

I was confused and a bit embarrassed at having released a Kindle book into the wild with an error. So I quickly grabbed my HTML code, gutted the portion of it that should have resulted in the cover being shown inside the book as well as outside, and replaced the interior cover with the title of the book in big letters instead. At least it doesn't look goofy, and I was sure I could resolve the missing interior cover problem in just a few minutes.

Ha ha ha. 

The documentation provided with the Kindlegen file never bloody mentioned ANYTHING about an ncx file, or an opc file. But Googling the problem quickly pointed out that both these files were required before Kindlegen could create the final file for upload.

Look, I'm no hacker, but I know enough to code and maintain my own website. I'd never heard of ncx or opf filetypes. I had no idea what they were, what they did, or how to find them.

The Amazon documentation?

I might as well go back to goat-dancing. Never a single word was spoken of these files, their purpose, their origin, or their content. 

The references I did find via Google all seemed to assume that the files simply sprang into existence from the heavenly aether. Seriously, I've never seen such an obtuse and uninformative collection of technobabble. What does ncx stand for? Nonexistent Carnivorous Xenophobe? What about opf? Obnoxious Probe Fatality? Ornithopter Pressure Frame?

Do I create the these elusive entities? Does Kindlegen? Are they files at all, or some kind of meat? Pets? Aircraft?

The more I read, the more confused I became.  In fact, after scouring half a dozen tutorials and discussion boards, this is how I've determined one must actually use Kindlegen to create a Kindle ebook:

FRANK'S HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO USING KINDLEGEN 

• Don't. Seriously, just wave money at someone until they agree to format your book for you. If they need a kidney give them that as well, you have two.
• Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.
• Download Kindlegen and Kindle Previewer.
• While you wait, drive to the liquor store, and head right for the rotgut whiskey because YOU WILL NEED IT. 
• Create your HTML file. Now look at it. Look at it HARD. 
• Do you see ncx and opf and half a dozen other previously unknown file formats appear?
• Take a swig of whiskey (first of many, I assure you) and stare harder.
• Run Kindlegen. Run around your living room. Both activities are equally likely to result in the creation of a fully-functional e-book.
• Use the Kindle Previewer to assure yourself you have failed.
• Look under the couch. Maybe that's where opf files wind up. No one seems to know. But there might be loose change under there, so check anyway.
• Man, the bottom half of this Old Overcoat whiskey is really smooth.
• Still no ncx files? Plenty of whiskey left. Maybe they only come out at night.
• Really, who needs a lousy interior cover image anyway?
• Leprechauns. That has to be it. Wait for a leprechaun to appear. Trick him into playing a game of riddles, and win by asking 'Where do ncx files come from?' 
• Give up and decide to patch the roof instead.
• Be careful on the ladder, because dude, you are hammered.

If you're at all interested in the writing guide, and you believe you can live without an interior cover illustration, click here. 

And if you ever decide to self-publish using Kindlegen, take my advice and get two bottles of Old Overcoat.

Ahoy MidSouthCon 31!

It's almost time!

I speak not of my next colonoscopy, but of my attendance at MidSouthCon 31.

If MidSouthCon is not known to you, it is the premiere SF/fantasy con in this part of the country. Held in Memphis, MidSouthCon is large enough to attract big names (Cherie Priest, Steve Jackson, John Picacio) and small enough to feel intimate and relaxed.

I'm even on a panel this year. If you're going to be at the Con, stop by the Grand Ballroom at 3:00 PM Saturday, where I'll be joining other Darrell Awards winners and nominees to talk writing.

I enjoy the panels. You can find everything from nuts-and-bolts author sessions to ghost hunting techniques. There truly is something for everyone.

Of course the press will concentrate solely on the cosplayers (i.e., people dressed up as fantasy/SF characters). Which is understandable, since the cosplayers are a dedicated and imaginative bunch. I've seen some truly awe-inspiring outfits at MidSouthCon, which always has a strong steampunk showing. Last year's girl with articulated wings was one of my favorites.

The Storm Troopers are always in attendance as well. They're a nice friendly helpful bunch, although they are a bit sensitive about mentions of unshielded thermal exhaust ports.

And what Con would be complete without zombies? We get all kinds. Zombie storm troopers. Zombie Alices. Zombie cheerleaders. Zombie tax preparers...

Itemize....

And, of course, steampunk Catwoman. Because -- who needs a freakin' reason?

This year I'm going to try something different at the Con. Along with the usual photos, I hope to post some short audio interviews (and possibly even video segments) with any of the more interesting cosplayers and attendees I can corner -- er, invite to take part in my blog. I've spent a lot of time tweaking my ancient Dell netbook, getting it up to snuff, and I'll be taking my microphones as well as my camera.

So, with any luck, next week's blog will feature an extensive Con report, with pictures.

March 26 is of course the release date for Brown River Queen. To celebrate, I'll be at the Barnes & Noble bookstore on the University of Mississippi campus in Oxford, where I'll be grabbing the ankles of passers-by and begging them to buy a copy until the University Police Department tazes me into unconsciousness. You don't want to miss that, so if you're in Oxford on Tuesday the 26th, please stop by the B & N at noon. I'll also be signing copies of The Broken Bell, so even if you don't have a Kindle or a Nook you can buy a print book.

Did you know that authors who fail to sell all the books at a signing are ritually shaven and then held underwater for eight minutes by the infuriated bookstore manager? It's true. I mention that not to entice you to buy a book, but just to pass the time. I'm pretty sure I can hold my breath for three of the eight minutes, and let's face it, another five minutes of brain damage probably won't have a significant effect on my cognitive skills.

I'm kidding. Signings are a lot of fun, and the people at Barnes & Noble have been most gracious and kind. There WILL BE SNACKS. I am willing to share.

To recap -- noon on Tuesday the 26th at the Barnes & Noble on the Ole Miss campus. Stop by and say hello!

One final word: progress on the new Markhat went very well last week. Looks like I might make my goal of writing two novels this year after all.

Of course it's one thing to write the books, and another to sell them. But unless I've completely lost my ability to tell good from bad, this new book is a good one.

Speaking of which, it's time to get back to work.

See you at MidSouthCon 31!