Summer Fun, With Corpses!

I'm not a big fan of public swimming pools.  Oh, I can swim, but the thought of immersing myself in the same fluid that extends to the nether regions of the crowd that regularly graces the pages of People of Walmart has no appeal to me.

Do I not like people?

I like most of them just fine, as long as they A) keep their distance or B) live in other states.  Preferably B.  

But I've digressed.  Swimming pools, as I said, are not for me.  I can say much the same about the outdoors in general, these days.  I find that my preferred environment is cooled to 72 degrees, dimly lit, and features menus and wait staff.  I mean, why bother evolving into a sentient creature in a technological civilization if you don't spend every waking moment getting as far away from that hunting and gathering nonsense as is possible?

Now, I'm sure my primitive forbears had to spend a lot of time mucking about in various dirty, dangerous bodies of water.  And I'm also sure they hated it, right up until the time the crocodiles ate them or the deadly snakes bit them.  So I feel I owe it to them to keep myself well-fed, comfortable, and well away from bodies of water, including swimming pools.

Face it, pools are bacterial resort areas.  People bring in babies.  People bring in themselves.  Have you looked at people lately? Gross. Unless there's enough chlorine in the water to bleach my swim trunks a sudden stark white, forget it.

But pools can harbor worse things that the contents of a baby diaper.  Case in point -- this public pool in Boston held a dead human body for at least two full days.

That's right.  A woman drowned in the pool, and despite the presence of lifeguards and numerous other swimmers her bloating corpse just floated there for forty-eight gruesome, awful hours.

It's not that no one noticed.  At least one kid made a report to the laughably termed 'lifeguards,' who ignored both the report and the green limp woman floating face down in the deep end since yesterday.

I have to wonder -- just what constitutes an emergency in that particular pool?

Drowning obviously isn't it.  Dead bodies clouding up the water with the by-products of decay?  Nah, no biggie.

Splashing, though -- I bet splashing gets you a whistle, and two splashing incidents rates a ban.

The story gets even funnier, aside of course from the 'corpse' part.  The pool was visited by inspectors once during the dead woman's marathon motionless float.  

The inspectors did note a 'cloudiness' in the water.  But, since they apparently never made it past the Scotland Yard entrance exams, no one connected the cloudiness with the gas-filled cadaver making slow turns in the corner.

So yeah.  Let's all rush to the nearest public pool and exchange body fluids with strangers.  It's what summer is all about!

News, Ooze, and, um, Stews?

First of all, a few news items!

The new Markhat novel, THE BROKEN BELL, will be out on December 27 of this year.  I believe I predicted a September release date earlier, but take the September-December discrepancy as just another example of my stunted precognitive psychic abilities.  December 27 is the official word from the publisher. September was just me mumbling after consuming a jarful of cloudy Old Overcoat.

ALL THE PATHS OF SHADOW, my non-Markhat fantasy novel, is still due out in September.  I'll post further details as they become available.

I have two big writing projects lined up for the rest of the year.  In no particular order, they are BROWN RIVER QUEEN and ALL THE TURNS OF LIGHT.  BROWN RIVER QUEEN is a new Markhat novel, and ALL THE TURNS OF LIGHT is the sequel to ALL THE PATHS OF SHADOW.

I'll probably start BROWN RIVER QUEEN, work until the halfway point, and then pick up TURNS OF LIGHT before switching back when it's halfway done.  My thinking is that the midway swap will give me a break from both books without wasting any writing time, and while that idea looks good on paper I'll abandon it if steam starts coming out of my ears when I try it.

Markhat's world and the world of PATHS OF SHADOW/TURNS OF LIGHT are two very different places.  If you've read any Markhat, you know Rannit is a gritty, unforgiving, rough-and-tumble town where the unwary and the unwise are unlikely to last the night.  My other world is a gentler, kinder place, although it has a few dark alleys all its own.  

I'm curious how Markhat fans are going to react to the SHADOW books, and vice versa.  To be quite honest, I once considered releasing PATHS OF SHADOW under a pen name.  Not because it isn't good -- it is -- but because it's not the kind of setting or story people usually associate with my name.  PATHS OF SHADOW is a YA (young adult) book, which means you won't find Trolls smearing vampires all over the walls, or characters wisecracking while juggling recently severed heads.

Which isn't to say there's not drama or peril.  there is, but it's a different flavor.

But you can judge for yourself, in September.

BROWN RIVER QUEEN is set on a riverboat.  Yes, Markhat takes to the sea, or more precisely the sluggish Brown River, aboard a lavish gambling boat.  I'm throwing a little New Orleans seasoning into this one, and a dash of Mark Twain.  It's going to be huge fun -- wait for the scene in which Mama Hog plays a crooked game of roulette.

That's my world right now.  I spared you the awful details of being sick for two weeks and my mechanical ordeals involved in repairing the lawn mower and the chainsaw.  I still have a massive tangle of fallen trees in the backyard to deal with.  Saturday I managed to get the chainsaw running, and I worked manfully for maybe half an hour before a coughing fit sent me scurrying back into the shade.  I'll try again this Saturday, since I'm feeling much stronger now -- might even manage an hour of tree-clearing before I swoon from fatigue.

I will close with the obligatory link to a random book of mine.  Here it is, in Kindle format...others are available...

Dead Man's Rain

Editing the Night Away

The editing on the new book, All the Paths of Shadow, is going quickly and well.  I hope to have the first round edit sent back in a week, if not sooner.  That's hardly the end of the matter -- another round or two of edits is pretty much expected, if not inevitable -- but the first round is generally the most difficult, and it's nearly in the bag.

Most of the time, I handle edits much like I handle haircuts or lawn care.  It's a necessary evil, but not something I revel in.  But I must say, tweaking Paths of Shadow has been fun.  I hope that's a good sign.

I've even come up with a few ideas for the sequel, and maybe even a title for the next book in what may turn out to be a series.  I like All the Turns of Light for the name of the sequel, although that is subject to change.

That's been my world for the last couple of weeks.  Editing, with a side order of bronchitis.  I was laid out flat and coughing for the better part of six days, until the lovely lovely steroids kicked in.  I can breathe again, which is always welcome.

Well, back to work!  By the way -- if you've just read the new Markhat, The Banshee's Walk, drop me an email and tell me what you thought!  My email is franktuttle@franktuttle.com.  I don't bite, and I do respond well to flattery.

Markhat News

The new Markhat book, The Broken Bell, is headed to the First Line Editor (FLE)!  Which means a new Markhat in the near future.  I imagine the e-book will be released first, with the printed version a few months later.  I'll provide dates when they become available.

I've started the first-round edits for the YA novel. This one is entitled All the Paths of Shadow and will be available from Cool Well Press in September. This will, I believe, be a print release.  I'll post details of that release later.

I'm also working on a short story for an upcoming horror anthology and the screenplay for a short Halloween film a good friend of mine, Matthew Graves, is putting together.  I'm also building a couple of props for the movie.  The embalming pump is coming along nicely, and it will look great in the living room long after the movie is done.  I'll post a few pics of it when I have it sealed for fluid.

That's pretty much my world at the moment.  Editing, writing, a little mortuary science -- yes, these are the salad days.

Let's Pester Bookstores

People are asking me when local bookstores will get print copies of  The Banshee's Walk.

Now, it's true that as an author I am privy to many of the Mysterious Secrets of the Universe.  I know all about Area 51.  The Roswell crash?  I have actual debris.  Who shot Kennedy?  I know, but it's best if I don't say.

But sadly, the inner workings of local bookstores are well beyond my ken.  Yes, the book came out June 7.  No, I don't know why they don't have it yet, or when they plan to get it.

So here's the best thing to do -- call them and ask.  Nay, call them and insist -- nay again, demand -- that they stock their shelves with The Banshee's Walk at once!

Bonus points are awarded if you make your demands in a clipped British accent punctuated by excited wavings of your cane.  Double bonus points shall be granted if you glare through your gold-rimmed monocle.

Look, when I ask, they just roll their eyes and pretend to consult their computers while they check for Facebook updates.  But when you, a potential customer ask, it means business, and so do they.

There are three bookstores in Oxford.  I've posted their names and phone numbers below.  Give them a call, and help me get The Banshee's Walk on local bookshelves so I can feed my ego by strolling elegantly past while smoking a tweed jacket:

SQUARE BOOKS:
Phone  (662) 236-2262
Ask for The Banshee's Walk by Frank Tuttle


PAINT AND PEN:
Phone   (662) 236-9494 

Ask for The Banshee's Walk by Frank Tuttle   

BARNES & NOBLE (OLE MISS BOOKSTORE)
Phone   (662) 915-7137 
Ask for The Banshee's Walk by Frank Tuttle


If you also want to throw in phrases such as 'Tuttle is the greatest living writer since Eugene K. Shirtbasket' or
'I want to order three hundred copies please' then be my guest.


If you want to skip the whole meat-world shopping process and jump straight to the Web, order your copy here.   

Another Thing I Hate

Once upon a time, there was a lawn mower I hated with every fiber of my hate-covered, hate-filled, hate-centered being.

I hated that mower.  I hated every bolt, every nut, every linkage, every cotter pin, every mis-shaped and leaky hose.  I hated the sound the engine made on those rare occasions when it did crank and I hated the smirking silence it exuded on the far more frequent occasions when it didn't.  I used to lie awake at night and imagine myself smashing it into bits with a ten pound sledge hammer.  Remember the printer-in-the-field scene from the movie Office Space?  Where the guys take the copier that's bedeviled them and go on a primal-ape ragefest that ends when there's just nothing left to kick?

Yeah.  That, but with the kind of mad-eyed rage one normally associates with 25 consecutive lifetime prison sentences.  We're talking deep, wide, burning epic hatred here.  

That mower is gone now -- and in its place, I present to you the Poulan Pro chainsaw.

I've spent the afternoon foolishly trying to replace the pull starter on the accursed spawn of Hell.  It looks simple enough.  Six parts.  A few screws.  I remember sitting down and thinking to myself, how hard can this be?

Well, little did I know that the engineers at Poulan (spelled 'we torture we kill hahahaha') spent the better part of the last two centuries refining the dark art of making simple repairs not only impossible but surprisingly dangerous.

Look, this shouldn't be such a big deal.  It's a pull starter.  A couple of springs.  A racheting wheel.  A pull cord.  But somebody at Poulan had to sit down and think really hard about a way to turn that into an operation that requires:

* Zero gravity

* A person with at least four limbs

* A tool which can extend itself through seven of the 14 known dimensions

And brother if you don't have those three items you are screwed.

The heart of this travesty is the main recoil spring.  And when I say spring, I'm speaking in the loosest possible terms.  Someone decided they could shave an twenty-eighth of a cent off manufacturing costs if they replaced the spring with an 18 foot length of narrow springy metal.

The sadistically cheerful instructions that came with the replacement parts advise you, the hapless installer, to 'rewind the main spring and replace it in the housing.'

I hear the serial killer from Saw saying that now.  Saying it with a smirk.  Because he knows there's no way you're ever going to get that murderous length of razor sharp steel back in any housing no matter how much type-matched blood you have on hand.

I made five attempts before deciding, and I quote, '@#$$#@  #$^%$^%& ^%&%^*&%^ #%^&%^&!"  I wound up with the hooked tip of the thing in my right eye, in my left ear, and even (I kid you not) poking up my shorts before pronouncing the erudite phrase above and leaving the cursed thing where it fell.

So keep it up, chainsaw.  There's a spot out in the field for you too, right beside the old Craftsman mower. I hear the rust creeps very slowly.  Very slowly indeed.    

And to my pals at Poulan -- stop making simple crap hard!  It's a chainsaw, not a freaking particle collider.  Act like you've built tools before, morons.

Time to find my sledge hammer.

And The Winner Is...

Joe Austin!

Now to backtrack a bit.

Last week, I announced a contest in which a signed copy of  The Banshee's Walk would be given away to a single person among those who entered the contest by emailing, liking the post on Facebook, or commenting on this blog .

Hundreds of thousands of entries rolled in, if you're counting individual electrons.  This afternoon I compiled a list of all entrants (by hand, since my printer is dead), put them all in a box, and drew out a single name.

Which was Joe Austin, who entered via Facebook.  So, Joe, hit me with your contact info and I'll get your signed copy of The Banshee's Walk out pronto!

In other Markhat news, I just finished my end of the first round edits on the new Markhat book, The Broken Bell.   So a brand new full-length (120,000 words) Markhat novel will be available soon -- first in e-book format, of course, and then later in print.  I'm just guessing here, but the e-book might hit in late August or early September.  That probably means a Christmas release for the print version. Again, I'm just guessing!

And lets not forget about All the Paths of Shadow, my YA fantasy novel which may be coming out around the same time from Cool Well Press.  Paths of Shadow is another long book, weighing in at around 120,000 words as well.  Meralda's world is quite different from Markhat's, but I hope readers love them both.

Okay, back to work for me!  Congratulations, Joe.  Hope you enjoy The Banshee's Walk!

It's My Birthday and I'll Lie if I Want To

According to various faded cave paintings and weathered etchings in fragments of clay tablets, today is my birthday.

A few relatively simple calculations indicate I am older than most cabbages, but younger than many large-scale geologic features.  I am what people my age call 'middle age' and what everyone else calls 'old.'  Especially young people, with their raves and their hippity-hoppity music and their newfangled eye-pads.

But I haven't walked this sullen Earth all these years without learning a thing or two.  So gather round, chilluns, while the Old Man speaks words of wisdom...

1) Limit eye contact.  Good seldom comes of it.
2) The phrase 'this will only take a minute' is best translated as 'I'm here to steal your entire freaking day.'
3) Dogs are better people than most people.
4) Corollary to #4: If your dogs growls at someone, bite that person.  Bite them hard.  Because dogs are excellent judges of character, but you don't want your dog biting strangers, who knows what kind of weird diseases they're carrying.
5) An evil, utterly amoral lawyer is worth his or her weight in poison-coated claw hammers, as long as they are your lawyer.
6) A healthy, balanced diet will ultimately leave you just as dead as Jimmy Hoffa.  Have the cheeseburger if you want it.  Will you really miss those sixteen extra seconds hooked to a ventilator?
7) Beware overt altruism.  Also people who use the word 'beware.'  Seriously, who talks like that?
8) Don't get too worked up over politics.  Here's the truth -- both parties, all parties, their candidate, your candidate -- they're all the same.  Flip sides of the same cheesy coin.  Negative images of the same banal scene.  No one is going to turn things around.  No one is going to make any difference.  The 'elected' part of the government was neutered years ago.  Vote.  Don't vote.  It no longer matters, at least here in the US of A.  So relax and enjoy the ride as best you can.
9) Ear hair is quite fashionable, if properly groomed.
10) Wear a smile, but locate the exits.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!

I am on iTunes!

The Markhat books are now available from iTunes.

Okay, that may not seem like a big deal.  But for me it is -- winding up on iTunes is the modern equivalent of arriving, baby.  And it seems Markhat has arrived.

iTunes.

This is one of those moments.

It's not a perfect moment.  The cover image for Dead Man's Rain, which is one of my personal favorites, isn't there; instead is the cover for another book.  Shame on you, iTunes!  Even tiny little e-book resellers got the cover images right.

But that can be fixed.  What matters is that iPads everywhere can browse the iBooks bookstore and see Markhat books proudly displayed.

This rocks.  Here's a link to my iTunes author roundup.  Check it out.

Frank's Markhat books on iTunes

And with that, I say, woohoo!

THE BANSHEE'S WALK out today!

It's finally June 7, which means finer bookstores everywhere in the universe can place printed copies of The Banshee's Walk on their shelves!

You can snag a copy online for just $10.50 at Samhain, which will deliver it to your door with a minimum or fuss and bother.  Amazon will do the same, but the book costs a bit more there.

I'd like to announce a signing to go along with the release, but you try being a fantasy author and getting the bookstores hereabouts to book a signing for you.  Go on.  I'll wait right here, with my chair and books and my bag lunch.  Because you're going to be a long time arranging that gig, baby.  Now, if you wise up and start writing about drunks and catfish and love gone wrong down at the trailer park, you'll be showered with accolades, even if your total sales rank in the high single-digits.  Because you're writing LIT-RAT-TURE, while I'm apparently churning out fluff.

Bitter much?

Maybe a little.  I suppose it's the implied 'Come back and see us when you're a real writer' attitude that truly irks me.  Some Gothed-out Emo cranks out a 40-page book of third-rate poems, and they get wine and cheeses.  I have a freaking series of novels out, e-book and print, well-reviewed and apparently well-liked, and I get the cold shoulder because someone wrinkles their nose at the word 'fantasy.'

Rant off.  Had to share.  Anyway, back to business --

Fans of the Markhat series will be pleased to know the first round of edits on the new book are well underway!  The new book will be called The Broken Bell, and though no dates have been set in stone yet I'm thinking September for the e-book release, which is always ahead of the print release.

I think people are going to love The Broken Bell.  You get to see Mama Hog stomp her way to Pot Lockney with murder on her mind.  You get to see Markhat tackles the big question concerning his relationship with Darla.  The Broken Bell has it all -- love and hate, war and peace, biscuits and ham.  I'm really happy with the  way the series is heading.

So, to recap -- The Banshee's Walk is out in print, starting today.  If your local bookstore doesn't have it ask for it.  Or just hit one of the links above for painless home delivery.

Either way, just buy!