Three Wishes, or a Hot Tub?

If you're like me (and let's hope you're not), you'll find yourself obsessing over the most ridiculous things.

Case in point: State Farm commercials.  Specifically, the ones in which anyone can summon a friendly State Farm agent simply by singing aloud the State Farm jingle ('Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!').

Maybe it's the writer in me, trying to wrap my head around the ramifications inherent in being able to call up a magical, if insurance-obsessed being, just by speaking a few simple words.

I write fantasy, so of course the concept isn't utterly foreign to me.  And there's plenty of mythological and folklorish precedent for such goings-on.  Rub a lamp, summon a genie. Speak the right words, call up a demon, or a ghost.  It's magic, right?

Well, sort of.  But even the most over-used and tired fantasy tropes come with rules.  The genie grants three wishes, and three wishes only.  The demon demands your soul as payment.  Ghosts, well, ghosts pretty much just blather on about family trivia and always wind up being faked by unscrupulous mediums anyway.

But with that State Farm bit, there aren't any rules.  Say the jingle, the agent appears.  Add a few words to the jingle, and that appears too.  In the video, random couch-sitters add 'hot tub' and 'sandwich' to the jingle, and bang, they get them.

That really bugs my inner editor, which is deeply troubled every time it sees magic being used without a price.  Apparently, I'm perfectly all right watching the Second Law of Thermodynamics being violated, but I won't stand for frivolous narrative use of arcane summonings.

The implications of the State Farm world-view are staggering.  What if someone sings 'Like a good neighbor, Sate Farm is there, bringing the entire Sun with them?'

Poof, that's what.  Instant planetary incineration.  The entire Solar System thrown into chaos.

Did I kill an entire alternate Earth out there, just now?

So I reject the whole sing-a-jingle-get-an-agent concept.  It's unworkable even in a fictional environment, because it places no limitations on the scope of the invocation.

State Farm, you are dismissed.


As I said, aren't you glad you're not like me?

Rumors, Hearsay, and Unconfirmed Scuttlebutt!

Fans of All the Paths of Shadow will soon have something to be very happy about indeed!  I'm not quite prepared to make any grand pronouncements yet, but I'm very excited about a project related to the book, and I think readers will be too.

I will say that one of the characters from the book will be brought to life, so to speak, in a unique and thoroughly entertaining way.

And that's all I'm going to say about that right now.

Switching gears for a moment, I'm floored by the way the upcoming Markhat book (The Broken Bell, to be released everywhere on December 27) has already been selling as a pre-order.  If I'd known so many people were waiting on the book, I'd have typed faster!

For anyone interested, you can click here to see All the Paths of Shadow on Amazon in Kindle format, or click here to head to Cool Well Press, where you can get any other format.

Want to check out The Broken Bell?  Click here for Amazon, or here for Barnes & Noble, or even here to go straight to the publisher, Samhain Publishing.  Rest assured we have a format for your tastes, including good old print!

Oh, and one last thing, which won't cost you a dime.  I redesigned my website, and I'd love it if you'd go have a look.

Thanks!

Now back to the WIP...

I Quote Myself

Today, in lieu of actually writing anything new, I decided I'd post a list of clever things my characters have said.

Why?

Because, that's why.

"Deception wears many masks. Take care to remove them all, should you undertake to see the face of truth."
-- Wistril the Wizard, from Wistril Compleat.


"The stuff of legends is nothing but trouble to the persons unfortunate enough to make them. On the whole, I’d rather have been off fishing.”
-- Tim the Horsehead, from All the Paths of Shadow


"You know you're having a bad day when vampires drop by to chat and you're pleased by the sudden distraction."
-- Markhat, from Hold the Dark


Okay, this is a not truly a quote, but an exchange between Markhat and Mama Hog in Dead Man's Rain.  


Mama Hog nodded.  "Cards say she's got a hard rain coming, boy," she said.  "Turned up the Dead Man, and the Storm, and the Last Dancer, all in the same hand.  Dead man's rain.  That ain't good."  Mama grabbed another morsel of sandwich, guffawed around it.  "But I don't need cards to see the sun," she said.  "The Widow Merlat is headed for a bad time.  She knows it.  I know it.  You'd best know it, too."


"Dead is dead, Mama," I said.  "That's what I know."


"There's other things you need to know, boy.  Things about the ones that come back."


"First thing being that they don't," I said.


Mama pretended not to hear.  


"Rev'nants only walk at night," she said.  "It's got to be pitch dark."


"Do tell."

"You can't catch 'em coming out of the ground," said Mama.  "It's no good trying.  They're like haunts, that way. Solid as rock one minute, thin as fog the next."


"Sounds handy," I said.  "Do their underbritches get all misty and ethereal too, or is that one of the things man was not meant to know?"


"Don't look in his eyes, boy," said Mama.  "Don't look in his eyes, or breathe air he's breathed."


"I won't even ask about borrowing his toothbrush," I said.


Mama slapped my desk top with both her hands.


"You listen," she hissed.  "Believe or not, but you listen."


"I've got all night," I said.     


"His mouth will be open," said Mama.  "Wide open.  He's been saving a scream, all that time in the ground.  Saving up a scream for the one that put him there."  Mama lifted a stubby finger and shook it in my face.  "Don't you listen when he screams.  You put your hands over your ears and you yell loud as you can but don't you listen.  Cause if you do, you'll hear that scream for the rest of your days and there ain't nothing nobody nowhere can do for you then."


Silence fell.  Only after Curfew do we get any silence, in my neighborhood.  I let it linger for a moment.


I leaned forward, put my eyes down even with Mama's, motioned her closer, spoke.


"Boo."
--Mama Hog and Markhat, from Dead Man's Rain.

Lightspeed Magazine

It's a tough world if you're a magazine.

I can count, barely moving my lips, the number of print fantasy or SF magazines which have survived the last few years.  Realms of Fantasy is gone (again).  Weird Tales has changed hands (again).  Only the venerable mainstays Analog and The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction seem to be holding their own.

I subscribe, via my Kindle, to Analog and Fantasy and Science Fiction.  Both feature some great writing; neither publication was ever much for interior art, although both have showcased some great covers.  So the black-and-white Kindle format suits them both just fine.

But now that Amazon has announced the new Kindle Fire ereader tablet, I've been looking for new publications with a bit of art mixed in with my fiction.

Which brings us to Lightspeed.  Lightspeed is a new SF magazine, published monthly, which is now available in Kindle format for only twenty bucks a year.

Yeah, I know, you're thinking 'But Frank, digital magazines come and go faster than mayflies!  How do I know this one is any good, and how do I know they'll be around in two months, much less twelve?'

First of all, it's Mr. Tuttle.  Second, I'm blabbering about Lightspeed because of the people behind it.

The editor is a fellow named John Joseph Adams.  Fans of zombie fiction (and anthologies in general) will recognize the name; he's the man behind The Living Dead and The Living Dead 2 collections, among many other titles.

The rest of the Lightspeed staff is equally experienced.

So, these people know what they're doing.  And from what I've seen, they are doing it exceedingly well.  Each month features a podcast -- wicked cool!  -- and some stunning new art by artists on the rise.

Lightspeed is what the Kindle Fire was made for.  Fiction.  Art.  Audio.  Sign me up!

In other news, it's been a bad week for writing.  I think sometimes certain vital areas of my brain just switch themselves off.  Oh, I can still walk and talk, but whatever it is I need to put the right words in the correct order down on paper just isn't working.  So I sit there and stare and wind up with 45 minute writing sessions which result in sentences such as 'The' and a lot of empty page space.

I hate times like these.  I can feel time slipping away, but try as I might, I just can't produce anything worth reading.

The only sure is to produce it anyway, and delete it when the words start coming again.  But it sure feels like a waste of time.

I'm Mister Sunshine today, aren't I?

Well, you could help by clicking here. Or by clicking here.  Or here.  See how much better you feel?

Going Bump #4: The Supernatural on Sale

Man.  I am in the wrong business.

I write stories and books and hope for enough sales to make pounding away on this poor battered keyboard worthwhile.  Some days it is.  Some days it isn't.  And that sums up the glamorous, jet-setting life of a writer in all its Ramen-noodle, buy-in-bulk glory.  Muggers not only pass me by but sometimes hand me a few bucks just out of sudden compassion.  Nigerian internet spammers send follow up emails that simply state 'Didn't know you were a fantasy author, forget I said anything, hope sales pick up, signed, Prince Alfonse.'

The only people who have it tougher are the owners of small presses.

But, as I said, I've just discovered I'm in the wrong business.

I thought I'd troll eBay for a Halloween lark, and see if I could find a few goofy 'occult' items for sale with descriptions worthy of some gentle lampooning.  Protip, kids -- that's what writers do to conjure up blog content when they have headaches and the dogs won't stop barking and they're on diets so there's no more comfort to be found in a quick run to the refrigerator.  They make fun of eBay.  It's a sad but universal truth.

But what I've found listed on eBay amazed me.  Confounded me.  Astounded me.

Because it appears there is serious money to be made even here in the 21st century in the magical trinket business.

The first question that sprang to my mind upon seeing some of the items and prices I'll be linking to below was 'Who buys this stuff?'

The second question was 'Why wasn't I told?'

I can snag  faux-antique rings from sellers in Hong Kong and claim they have powerful mystical qualities.  I can hit the local antique stores for costume jewelry rings and claim each contains the spirit of a mighty djinn trapped inside.

I can afford eBay's modest listing fees.

What am I blathering about?

Well, let me part the magical curtains of internet commerce and show you, gentle reader, just what kind of magic your money can buy!

First, let me point you toward this Magical Ring of 6 Djinns, which is said to be omnipotent!  And since it is after all omnipotent, $9,999.99 really isn't a bad price.  Keep in mind they are throwing in free shipping.

What does your ten grand get you?  Well, honestly, it's a bit hard to say.  The item title claims there are 6 djinn (aka genies) contained in the ring.  The description claims an additional 3,111 powerful entities, but since command of English isn't one of the ring's many splendid powers I really can't be sure.

The ring itself appears to feature a pewter or pewter-colored band on which a gemstone of finest hard plastic is set.  An inscription in the reddish stone is either a single character of faux Arabic or Tolkein's Elvish for 'Wilt thee kiss me in the dark, baby?'


But I'm sure the buyer can have the ring transformed into something more tasteful after his or her purchase.  What the buyer, despite being suddenly omnipotent, cannot do is return the ring, because once you buy 3,111 powerful genies, baby, they are yours.

Magic rings not your thing?  Well, perhaps I can interest you in a device which melds magic and technology to bring about your deepest wishes!  I give you the Haunted Psychic Unit Power Paranormal Activity Item!

What is the Haunted Psychic Unit Power Paranormal Activity Item, or HPUPAI?

Depends on your world-view, I suppose.  Some people might see it as a mystical tool for actualizing their internal desires.  Others might see it as the dial from an electric stove stuck onto a plastic box which sports a bit of copper tubing.

But what isn't influenced by your belief system is the price, which is actualized at a firm $999, no returns.

I'd be a little less skeptical if every listed wasn't followed by a sternly-worded NO RETURNS policy.  Look, you either have confidence in your Hanuted Psychic Unit Paranormal Activity Item, or you don't.  Also, the device doesn't appear to be UL Listed, which is a must for anything with dials, really.

Still no takers?  Being omnipotent or having your every wish granted with the turn of a dial doesn't interest you?

Tough crowd.  But okay.  Maybe what you're looking for in a little less intangible.

What you want is this.

No.  Wait.  For the love of all that is holy, back out of that link.  Sheesh, look at the eyes on that thing.  If that isn't touched by the spirit of pure evil, I don't know what is.  Who paints flowers on something's face and then glues a cowboy hat to it?  Look at that expression in the photo.  That expression says 'Yeah, I'm going to wait until you are fast asleep and then slit your throat and roll in your blood and that's exactly what you deserve for bringing this into your home.'  And even that runs you five hundred bucks.

Instead, check this out -- a haunted phone.  The seller isn't sure whether this fine specimen of 2003 telephone technology is haunted by a ghost, a demon, a genie, or the Patron Saint of Grubby Fingerprints, but he's sure that smudge in the faded LCD display is evidence of something.  I agree, but I suggest it's evidence of a household in need of a rag and a bottle of 409 Cleaner.  But heck, it's only $399, so who am I to quibble?

That's probably enough trolling for one entry.  I barely scratched the surface -- haunted dolls, haunted rings, haunted toys, you name it, it's out there, it's haunted, and it can be yours for a price.

Happy shopping!  Of course if you really want something cool check out the Naked Spinning Angry Widow Ghost Djinn Demon Ring of Ultimate Power.

Buy one for your mother!

The Broken Bell

Yes, the seaons are a-changin.'  The leaves are turning, there's a chill in the air, and Amazon just opened the new Markhat book The Broken Bell up for pre-orders!

Which is a bit of a relief for me.  I'm such a self-absorbed hog for attention that I routinely Google my own name (and yes, I'm sure a therapist would present a raised eyebrow and a knowing nod at this revelation).  So when Barnes & Noble put up their pre-order page for The Broken Bell and then Amazon UK put up their pre-order page, I expected Amazon here to quickly do the same.

Days passed.  Calendar pages flipped off the wall in a wind, just like in a dozen old movies.  Flocks of geese flew south, then north, then south again.  Snow fell, melted, washed down the river as a spring flood, and was then bottled and sold to yuppies for four bucks a pop.

I despaired.  I wept.  I bought the geese a year-round bus pass.

But finally, today, the pre-order page appeared.

Which means two things -- first and foremost, of course, you can order.  In fact, go ahead.  I'll wait.

Done?  Thanks!

As to the second thing -- I can finally show you the cover, which was created by artist Angela Waters! Check out her website, which is a thing of beauty.

Inquisitive types can even spot certain clues concerning the book's contents in the cover image.  I love this cover, and I hope you will too.

I'm really excited about The Broken Bell.  It's the longest and most ambitious Markhat book to date.  I'll say this, and no more -- the peace Rannit has enjoyed is over, and nothing will ever be quite the same.

So ogle the cover and click the pre-order, faithful readers.  Markhat is coming for Christmas!

And in the meantime, why not try All the Paths of Shadow?  Meralda isn't Markhat, but then again, Markhat isn't Meralda.  And if Kindle format isn't your preference, well, we have Nook and print too.

Okay, that's enough blabbing for now.  Back to work on Brown River Queen.

And the Winner is....

Ding ding!  I have a winner, folks, to the contest I announced last week.  Jennifer gets a signed copy of All the Paths of Shadow, and....

What's that?  I promised a video reveal?

Um, well.  About that.  I did, but I really should have checked my aging video camera first, because it won't power on.  I mean nothing.  Not a red charging indicator, not a flicker of the screen, not even a tell-tale buzz when I plug it in.

So, with that in mind, pretend I'm on your screen, right now.  Dressed in a tailor-made tuxedo, in tasteful black, of course.  I'm standing in a spotlight (I have a *huge* special effect budget in this version of the video), my chiseled frame accentuated by the perfect fit of the $8,000 tux.

I flash an incandescent smile at Camera Two, and tear open the envelope with a well-muscled flourish, and as Pink Floyd (live, behind me) fills the air with music I read aloud Jennifer's name.

The crowd, some eighty thousand strong, goes wild.  Roses are cast upon the stage.  Confetti and bright balloons fall onto the stage.  Overhead, a flight of fighter jets swoop down and drop fireworks, which explode with thunders and flashes.

Not bad for the presentation of a 17 dollar book, huh?

You don't see John Grisham snagging Pink Floyd as a back-up act, do you?  Ever seen Stephen King in a European-made tux?  No?

I didn't think so.

So, Jennifer T., I salute you!  I'll get your signed copy of Paths of Shadow out tomorrow.  Thanks for entering, and for all your support!

Oh, and now I'll have the cast of  'NCIS' read the winning entry, and the runners-up!

Jennifer's Entry:  The Cross-Eyed Caterpillar

Mug was a large green cross-eyed caterpillar in the first version of the book.  Such prescience must be rewarded, so Jennifer wins!

Entries of Note:

The Thinly-Veiled Attempt at Cashing In On Harry Potter
This is Not a Markhat Book
Man, Just Look at This Cover
All the Subplots of Confusion
Book One of Three


I'm glad to see I have some seriously snarky readers.

Thanks to everyone for playing!  Um, can someone pony up for all that jet fuel?

All the Paths of Shadow on Amazon

All the Paths of Shadow at Cool Well Press

Last Chance for Lennox

Long-time followers of my blog are already aware of my disdain for the Belfast City Council and their puppy-stomping minions, the Belfast City Council Dog Wardens.

It all started last year with the (illegal) seizure of Lennox the dog.  Certain breeds of dog (along with a goodly number of personal hygiene products and, apparently, common sense) are banned in merry old Belfast, you see.

The fact that subsequent DNA testing proved Lennox is a Lab / bulldog mix and NOT a prohibited pit bull did nothing to secure his release.  No.  The Belfast Dog Wardens had declared Lennox a menace, and as proof of their assertion they were quick to point out that Lennox was (gasp) a big black dog.

To make a long sad story short, Lennox was imprisoned in a tiny wire cage where he was surrounded by his own feces.  Now, I understand this arrangement with fecal matter on the floor is probably considered quite chic among the households of the Belfast Dog Wardens, but the photos of Lennox which leaked out were horrific to most humans.

But that's where poor Lennox has been, for over a year now.  His 'case' has been heard by a handful of judges and 'dog experts' who can most charitably be described as somewhat lacking in the higher mental functions.  Seriously.  I'm not sure how one becomes a judge in Belfast, but I'm beginning to suspect the process involves picking the short straw, or perhaps being the last man standing in a no-holds-barred grain alcohol drinking contest.

Regardless, one after another, these paragons of legal wisdom and frequent all-you-can-eat buffet patrons  upheld the original assertions that Lennox, who had never had a complaint spoken against him, who had a proper license, and who was a well-loved family pet, was actually a slavering, bloodthirsty beast in disguise.

The 'dog expert' was the most idiotic and laughable of the bunch.  One of the Dog Wardens even perjured herself.  But at the last hearing, none of that mattered - -yet another pinhead judge, eager to curry the favor of the City Council, sentenced poor Lennox to death.

Yesterday, at the very last moment, a stay of execution was ordered, as Lennox's family makes one last stab at getting him set free.  Here's the link to the story:

Last Chance

So take a moment, if you will, and spare a prayer or two for Lennox, a big black goofy dog who just wants to get out of that tiny cage and go home.

Oh, and Belfast City Council, and Belfast CC Dog Wardens?

Screw the lot of you. 

Story in New Horror Anthology

Goot even - ing, Gentle Readers.

Igor.  Close the door.  We don't want them to escape.  Ahem.  I meant, there is a draft.

Tonight, I present to you a new collection of terrible tales, entitled Shadow Street.  Inside these pages you will find a number of unique and lingering horrors, each with an address on the Street.

My home away from home in entitled 'The Knocking Man.'

What is that?

Why yes, it does feature a mortuary.  And a cemetery.  How perceptive of you.

And yes.  Both show signs of neglect.

But beware, for they also show signs of recent and, shall we say, enthusiastic use.

Those of you who prefer Nooks to Kindles may prefer to shop here.

Igor will see to the lighting of the reading lamps.

I hope you survive -- er, enjoy your journey down Shadow Street.  I trust it will not prove too dangerous.

Still, we advise you to walk with caution, and above all else, to look both ways...

The Usual Nonsense, Plus Markhat News!

First of all, don't forget to enter my contest!  The grand prize is a signed print edition All the Paths of Shadow, shipped right to your door, stronghold, lair, or orbital battle platform free of charge.  Entering only takes a second, and requires only a small amount of bone marrow, so please enter.  Or else I'll wind up looking very foolish giving away a book to myself.

Next, I would be remiss indeed if I failed to remind everyone that tonight is the night for the second season premiere of AMC's brilliant The Walking Dead.  If you've never heard of the show, click the link.  If you have, watch!  It promises to be quite a ride, as the survivors flee the destruction of the Center for Disease Control lab in zombie-infested Atlanta.

And now, about the new book.  Hey, don't look surprised, you knew it was coming.  I'm talking of course about All the Paths of Shadow, and before I say anything else let me present you with a few links, to ease and encourage your shopping experience!

All the Paths of Shadow in Amazon Kindle e-book format!

All the Paths of Shadow in print!

All the Paths of Shadow in epub and mobi formats, for your Nook or other device!

So one of the above should set you up.

So far, Paths has 8 readers reviews on Amazon, all of them good ones (seven five star reviews and one four star).  So it seems people like it.

On the Markhat front, Barnes & Noble have already put up the latest Markhat novel, The Broken Bell.  You can pre-order it for the Nook now; it will be released on December 17 everywhere, including Amazon and the publisher's site, Samhain Publishing.  even if you don't own a Nook, you can sneak over to Barnes and Noble and check out the sweet, sweet cover on  The Broken Bell.  It's worth the click.

That's about all the news I have right now.  I'm feeling fine and have hardly any traces of rigor mortis, so it's a good night for The Walking Dead!

Take care, zombie fans.  Keep your doors locked, your car keys handy, and of course, safeties off....

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!