Brown River Queen cover art

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Frank's New Year Resolutions

I don't usually waste time on new year's resolutions, for the same reason I stopped putting teeth under my pillow -- the effort is futile. Plus it's hard to get bloodstains out of the pillowcases.

Look, I only had so many teeth, and the Tooth Fairy only leaves a quarter for each, so I had to start outsourcing. Saving for retirement is hard.

But I digress. The new year has arrived, all smiles and waves, full of hope and dreams and renewed determination.

I know. Annoying, isn't it?

Nevertheless. I don't want to put a damper 2013, so for the first time ever I'm making New Year's resolutions of my own.

Frank's 2013 Resolutions:

1) I will end my nightly hang-glider attacks on Bosnia and Herzegovina. You're welcome.

2) No more wee-hours experimentation with dead body parts and resurrection machines.

3) In reference to #2 above, I will clean out the basement.

4) I will write at least a thousand words a day. Different words, this year, although I can now spell yacht without looking it up.

5) I will seek to bring peace and harmony to all those in my life, every other Tuesday, between 4:46 PM and 5:11 PM .  As long as they bring snacks. And not a crappy Walmart pound cake, either. Put some effort into it, people.

6) I will stop silently mocking beliefs or opinions that differ from mine, because mocking beliefs or opinions that differ from mine aloud is a lot more fun.

7) I will establish a healthier lifestyle -- for my Sims. Seriously, what a lazy, nacho-gobbling bunch of hypertensive artificial intelligences they are. Getting them up at five AM for a brisk six-mile jog before settling down to a nutritious breakfast of grapefruit and air is just what they need!

8) I will spend less time on the computer and more time outdoors, experiencing the splendor and wonder of Nature. As soon as I recover from the fit of gut-wrenching laughter induced by typing the previous sentence. Hey, have you looked at Nature lately? It's hot, it's full of bugs and snakes, and if you get lake water in your ear you die because amoebas eat your brain. If I want Nature, that's what the Animal Planet channel is for.

9) I will get to know the people in my life better. Wait. No. A variation of Rule 8 applies here, just replace Animal Planet with The Biography Channel.

10) I will sell my fleet of gently-used hang gliders and un-expended munitions on eBay.

Anybody else want to take a crack at Bosnia?

In other news, The Oxford-Lafayette Public Library is starting an adult writing class this Thursday evening. If anyone reading this is in the area and interested, shoot me an email and I'll give you all the details.

I'll be teaching the class, or at least making mouth-noises from the instructor's chair. My hope is to present an even mix of fiction story crafting mechanics and a nuts-and-bolts look at the business side of writing -- how to submit, where to submit, what you should never do (it involves penguins and propane canisters), and so forth. Hopefully we'll have some fun too, or I've wasted a lot of money hiring Grammar Mimes.

Happy 2013, everyone. See you next week!

1 comment:

  1. Re: Lake water--I think you only die if they get in your NOSE. If they get in your ears, well, you probably just start hearing voices--their voices. Telling you to fly paper airplanes into Bosnia and your neighbor's yard.