Brown River Queen cover art

Monday, November 28, 2011

Black Friday, Blue Monday, Chartreuse Tuesday

Back in the days of yore, when I was knee-high to a grasshopper and a bushel of dimes only cost a nickel, 'Black Friday' shopping injuries were things that only happened in distant, exotic lands such as Newark and even fabled Oklahoma City.

Last week's Black Friday resulted in a knife fight in our very own Walmart.  I am told that the combatants were locked in a bloody struggle over a discounted set of bedsheets.

Yes.  Bedhseets.  I have to wonder, what battle cry does one shout when charging into a life and death struggle over bedsheets?

Do you yell "Percale!" and then wade in, blade flashing?

Even if you know, don't tell me.  I've never felt very passionate about bedsheets, even if they are selling at a <gasp> fifteen percent discount.

The knife-wielding linen enthusiast will be enjoying the dubious holiday charms of the Lafayette County Detention Center, where I seriously doubt any of the guards dress as festive Christmas elves, at least while on duty.  There, the accused may ponder the error of her ways, and perhaps resolve to shop early at Dollar Tree next year (or in two to five, whichever the judge deems appropriate).

I do not partake in any sort of Black Friday shopping.  Face it, people, aside from a half-dozen strategically-advertised electronic gadgets, the stuff on the shelves is priced the same on Black Friday as it was Routine Thursday and as it will be on Just Another Saturday.  People line up at all hours for the same crap they could have ordered two weeks ago from Amazon without missing a single moment of sleep.

This is why, if I was a betting man, I'd put my money on the cockroaches versus the humans in any kind of long-term existence bet.  You don't see bugs camping out in parking lots because they might save a whole twelve cents on a set of cheap bedsheets.


  1. We Canadians always hear these tales of Black Friday contact shopping with awe and puzzlement. Do you folks down there really go shopping armed with pepper spray, guns, and knives? Really?

  2. Some apparently do! Which is one of the many reasons I won't join the fray. I suppose there are causes and ideals for which I would endure pepper spray or threat of bodily harm, but saving two bucks on novelty candles is not among them.

  3. I admit that this year I entered the fray. H&K .45 on my hip, trusty Rottweiler at my side, wife taking up the rear armed with a fully automatic Bull-pup M17S and two cans of pepper spray, we entered the closest Barnes and Noble.

    Only for THE prize. But, oh, what a prize we were after. A copy of the elusive "All the Paths of Shadow".

    We got it, backing out of the angry crowd, wife and I protecting each other. Our holidays are truly complete, the risk/reward factor clearly worth the effort.

  4. I am awed, and not so puzzled, Saint. I do understand fighting for this particular prize.

  5. While I normally decry violence, in this rare instance I too approve it. As long as you opt for environmentally safe lead-free munitions, of course :)

  6. Lead-free. Even the pepper spray was made from organically grown peppers.

    And no real violence occurred either - well, except for the little ole lady we had to behead. But I'm not sure she was really alive. The odor and apparent state of decomp led me to believe she was likely one of those shopping-zombies that only come back to life on Black Friday...